A Woman After God's Own Heart

This past weekend I attended a women's intensive study hosted by my church and taught by a missionary from Okinawa. Going in, I was so nervous. This was my first event of kind and my first as a woman, a wife, an adult. I had such irrational fears.

"What if they think I'm an immature Christian?"

"What if they ask a question, and I'm the only one who doesn't know the answer?"

I was on focused on gaining the approval of the other women and went in forgetting about the approval of God.

However, I learned much this weekend. God meets us where we are, and good Christians will, too. And age doesn't mean spiritual maturity, nor does lack of age equate to immaturity. No matter where we are in our walk, all of us struggle, and all of us still have a long way to go. Though this wasn't the most amazing epiphany of the weekend, it was important for me to feel comfortable fellowshipping with women older than me and more spiritually mature than me and not feel like a child.

But the most important change that I came away with from the weekend is a desire for God. And a desire to desire God more. I realized that I am not in love with Him, and He is not my first priority. But now I want to, and I recognize that He needs to be my love, my life, my greatest desire in order for everything else to go together.

My sin in this area is that I put Dom above God. I love him more, want to be with him more, and would perhaps forgo Heaven for him. But this is so wrong! And my marriage will suffer as long as Dom is my first love because he is human with flaws and failures and will let me down. He can't be my God. And as long as he is, God will be trying to knock him off the throne. I have to desire God more than Dom if my marriage is to be the best it can.

I want to desire God. I want to know Him, His voice, His will. I want Him to be so settled into my heart that my words, thoughts, and actions are His words, thoughts, and actions. I want to be hopelessly devoted to Him.

It's so hard, though, and I've failed every day. But I am aware now, and I am trying and praying and pushing.

When I was younger, there were so many things I dreamt of being. A teacher, a singer, an astronaut, all professions that ultimately mean nothing, can't define me as a person. Now all I want is to be a woman after God's own heart. And then everything else will have meaning.