...But A Whisper

My Soundtrack to 2011

2012-01-11T00:04:00.001+10:00

All of these songs were heavy on my playlist this year. Some because they touched my heart and others because I just liked their sound. All in all, however, music was not a major player in 2011. For the first time since I was ten, I wasn't obsessed with it. Which is a good thing because, in the past, I often spent too much of my energy on music and not enough on God. These songs slipped through, though.

"Don't Carry It All" - The Decemberists
The King is Dead was dropped in January of 2011, and I listened to it over and over again. I love the Decemberists previous albums (especially Picaresque), but I think that this is their best album so far. And this song, unbeknownst to me, would set the theme for 2011. Carrying burdens. And it, quite fittingly, told me to "let the yoke fall from [my] shoulders."
"Someone Like You" - Adele
21 is easily my favorite album of the year. To me, this album is perfect. Her voice is haunting, and the lyrics let the things that you had hidden in your heart loose. Out of all of the amazing songs on the album that I've alternated loving in different seasons, this one has never left my mind. In an interview, Adele said that she wrote it after thinking about what will happen in twenty years when she runs into the guy she wrote the album for. What would she feel? And that theme really resonated with me because there are a few people in my life that I've loved mightily and have had to let walk away, and I always wonder what will happen if I ever see them again.
"Parachute" - Cheryl Cole
Of course, I have to have a poppy dance song of the year, and I estimate the number of times my mother, sister, and I listened to this song in the car to be at least fifty times in one month. The lyrics actually do having meaning for me, though, because the attitude running through them is exactly the one that Dom and I adopted when we were being ostracized by his family. "It's you and me up against the world."
"Lead Me" - Sanctus Real
This is probably more Dom's song of the year than mine, but I love it, too. Although it's written from the perspective of a man who wants God to lead him so that he's a better husband and father, the same concept is applicable to anyone. Let God lead you, and you will be a better everything.
"Jar of Hearts" - Christina Perri
I feel like the whole world was obsessed with this song before I found it, but when I finally did, I listened to it over and over again for weeks. Having being held captive by several horrible relationships (however platonic they were) for many years made this song powerful for me. Even though my love was never romantic, pain feels the same when it comes from someone you love. And the wounded strength, the vulnerability throughout the song is just so beautiful.
"Breathe Me" - Sia
Right around the middle of the year I was pretty much floored by depression. When I'm in that emotional state, that spiritual state, I feel completely isolated from everyone, even my husband. And this song really captured my brokenness, my fear. It helped me express what I couldn't, helping me release what I was holding inside. It didn't offer hope, but it helped me feel less alone.
"Before the Morning" - Josh Wilson
I remember riding in the car one morning with Dom and Marina, listening to this song, and just crying. I had been emotionally drained for months, bordering on despair, and this song just hit me. And, for the first time, I had hope. I was able to truly believe that I would get out of the darkness of depression. This is my most beloved song of 2011 because it caused something to break inside of me. In a good way.
"True Love" - Phil Wickham
The best way for a Christian to regain perspective and encouragement after experiencing a spiritual collapse is to return to the Good News and remind themselves of Jesus' sacrifice and their salvation. This song was that for me. "When blood and water hit the ground, walls we couldn't move came crashing down. We were freed and made alive the day that True Love died."
"Heartless" (Cover) - Dia Frampton
There is nothing about this song that captures me lyrically. It's really all about the uniqueness of her voice and the creativity of the way she covered this song.
"Fix You" - Coldplay
Chris Martin wrote this song for his wife, Gwyneth Paltrow, but he might as well have written it for me because I feel as though he did. I feel as if I am the one being comforted and consoled every time. And I really needed consoling in the middle of the year, so this song was on constantly.
"Cosmic Love" - Florence and the Machine
I love the lyrics. I love the music. I love her voice. I love to sing it in the car at the top of my lungs. It's beautiful.
"Hosanna" - Hillsong United
I love love love this song. So many times during the day, when I'm done praying or just reading or driving or whatever, this song will come into my head. The bridge is truly my heart's cry.

Heal my heart and make it clean.
Open up my eyes to the things unseen.
Show me how to love like You have loved me.
Break my heart for what breaks Yours.
Everything I am for Your kingdom's cause
As I walk from nothing to eternity.

Sustained Not Forsaken

2012-01-10T20:22:00.000+10:00

We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down,but not destroyed.

(1 Corinthians 4:8,9)

Yes, for the Christian hopelessness is not a viable option. We have received the greatest gift of all time in the blood of our Savior and, with it, the promise that we will be joint heirs with Jesus Christ in Heaven for all of eternity. Knowing that we are saved from condemnation by and separation from God the Father, how could any wordly thing steal that joy away?

And yet, we give many life situations power over God to drain us of our perseverance. I do, at least.

I honestly am at a loss as to how apostle Paul could live out the sentiments he expressed because I have been battling with depression for a decade now, and my "persecution" pales in comparison to his.

But I also am acutely aware that I am not alone in this. Though it's not often talked about in church, I know that depression, hopelessness, and despair are things that many of us have to fight with monthly, weekly, even daily. Because even though we have the promise of eternity in Heaven, we have to live out this life on earth. Were these matters purely physical, they may be easier to overcome, but "we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places" (Ephesians 6:12). And we cannot fight spiritual battles on our own.

Cast your burden on the Lord, and He will sustain you; He will never permit the righteous to be moved.

(Psalm 55:22, ESV)

This is why King David's verse is so dear to me. We can't fight battles on our own. So we shouldn't even try. Offer every trial up to the Lord God our Father, and He will prevail. It is not by his own strength that Paul was not destroyed but by the grace, mercy, and power of Christ whom Paul placed his faith in and his burdens on.

This is the important lesson that God has been trying to teach me. Because even though it is in my head, I read the verses and understand, it is still drilling down into my heart. Even though I know I am weak, I still try to be strong. I still try to be enough. And I am still sometimes ashamed at how useless I really am.

But that is what is really beautiful about God, isn't it? That even though we are nothing, He is willing to be everything for us. Just as He was willing to humble himself, come to the earth, and die a criminal's death to gain a victory for us then, He is willing to step into the arena for us now. If we let him.

You're Not Alone

2011-11-17T10:00:00.000+10:00

Called to be more than mediocre

2011-11-16T13:56:00.000+10:00

"I know your works, that you are neither hot nor cold. I could wish you were cold or hot. So then, because you are lukewarm, and neither cold nor hot, I will vomit you out of My mouth."

(Revelation 3:15,16)

How many of us are content with being "lukewarm" when it comes to our walks with God? We go to church weekly, but, when it comes to reading the Word of God and praying, we often fail to spend daily time with God. We always have excuses ready, too.

"I'm too tired."

"School is just drowning me."

"I was going to, but time just rushed by me."

"Work kept me late, and then I didn't have enough time."

But we refuse to face the real reason: "I didn't care enough to follow God's commandments and submit my time to Him."

Lately, I have been exceedingly guilty of this sin. I wake up late and forsake reading and praying in order to do my makeup. I get home late and feel too tired to concentrate on the Bible so I spend time on the internet instead. And when I think about my spiritual responsibilities, I always say, "I'll do it later." Sometimes I do, but most of the time I don't.

It wasn't always like this, though. Earlier this year, my mornings were planned around my time with God. I couldn't wait to read my Bible, and I loathed having to shut it in order to go through the rest of my day. Praying to God for an hour felt like five minutes, and I felt relief whenever I could cast my burdens upon my Father. I was on fire.

But, like many Christians, after awhile the problems of the world started to knock on the door to my private sanctuary. Work and school tired and stressed me out. Responsibilities started to fill up my list, and spending time with God fell from number one on my to-do list. Because I wasn't getting fed spiritually, the demands of the world were able to steal my joy, which left me without peace, lethargic.

Now, here I am, lukewarm and stuck in a spiritual rut.

And I thought that the answer to my problem was a personal revival. So every time I prayed, I asked God to light my fire, to increase my desire, and to bring about a change in me. And when I still had no desire to read my Bible the next morning, I wondered why He wasn't answering my prayer.

Until today, when I realized that I don't need a revival. I need to develop diligence. It's my fault that I'm not on fire, and God is not responsible for kindling me again. I need to be dedicated enough to spend time in God's Word no matter what my emotional state, to surrender my time to Him no matter what's on my schedule. For He is to be first in my life. And passion for Him comes from knowing Him through reading His Word, not through prayer requests that I'm not willing to back up with action. I have to seek in order to find.

This needs to be my daily prayer:

Lord, I give up all my own plans and purposes, all my own desires and hopes, and accept Thy will for my life. I give myself, my time, my all, utterly to Thee to be Thine forever. Fill me and seal me with Thy Holy Spirit. Use me as Thou wilt, send me where Thou wilt, work out Thy whole will in my life at any cost, now and forever.

(Betty Scott Stam)

Today I say that I am not ok with being a mediocre follower of Christ.

Are you?

A Woman After God's Own Heart

2011-02-22T15:07:00.001+10:00

This past weekend I attended a women's intensive study hosted by my church and taught by a missionary from Okinawa. Going in, I was so nervous. This was my first event of kind and my first as a woman, a wife, an adult. I had such irrational fears.

"What if they think I'm an immature Christian?"

"What if they ask a question, and I'm the only one who doesn't know the answer?"

I was on focused on gaining the approval of the other women and went in forgetting about the approval of God.

However, I learned much this weekend. God meets us where we are, and good Christians will, too. And age doesn't mean spiritual maturity, nor does lack of age equate to immaturity. No matter where we are in our walk, all of us struggle, and all of us still have a long way to go. Though this wasn't the most amazing epiphany of the weekend, it was important for me to feel comfortable fellowshipping with women older than me and more spiritually mature than me and not feel like a child.

But the most important change that I came away with from the weekend is a desire for God. And a desire to desire God more. I realized that I am not in love with Him, and He is not my first priority. But now I want to, and I recognize that He needs to be my love, my life, my greatest desire in order for everything else to go together.

My sin in this area is that I put Dom above God. I love him more, want to be with him more, and would perhaps forgo Heaven for him. But this is so wrong! And my marriage will suffer as long as Dom is my first love because he is human with flaws and failures and will let me down. He can't be my God. And as long as he is, God will be trying to knock him off the throne. I have to desire God more than Dom if my marriage is to be the best it can.

I want to desire God. I want to know Him, His voice, His will. I want Him to be so settled into my heart that my words, thoughts, and actions are His words, thoughts, and actions. I want to be hopelessly devoted to Him.

It's so hard, though, and I've failed every day. But I am aware now, and I am trying and praying and pushing.

When I was younger, there were so many things I dreamt of being. A teacher, a singer, an astronaut, all professions that ultimately mean nothing, can't define me as a person. Now all I want is to be a woman after God's own heart. And then everything else will have meaning.

Reflections for 2010

2011-01-10T16:09:00.000+10:00

I snagged these questions from Simple Mom because I felt like they were a really good way to wrap up a year. Pay no attention to the fact that it's taken me a week to get around to them. But Tsh put together a really solid list of things to ponder upon from the last year, so you can start off 2011 feeling grateful for what you've gone through.

So, let's get on with it.

What was the single best thing that happened this past year?
Hands, down, getting married. Obviously. Gaining a life partner and best friend who I can trust and find security in has been the greatest experience of my life. Watching him become the man I need and becoming the woman he needs has been immensely rewarding, enriching, and satisfying. There's nothing better than love.
What was the single most challenging thing that happened?
Everything leading up to our wedding and all the things we went through in our church and with Dom's family afterward definitely ranks up in the top three worst things I've ever gone through. His parents' lies caused a split in our church and made me an outcast among the rest of the family and with many families on the island. I hadn't even been here a year, and yet there were rumors and lies circulating about me, none of which were warranted. Knowing that his family were trying to get rid of me and dissuade Dom from marrying me, when all I wanted was to gain a family, was crushing. BUT, the experience also forced Dom and I closer because we had to be a united front against all of the attacks. It drove my trust in him deeper and made him more of a man, ready to be the head of our family. Altogether a good thing for our relationship and personal growth but seriously heartbreaking.
What was an unexpected joy this past year?
The birth of my lil' nephew, Matthias Ezekiel Rosas. He's so adorable, and even though he is across the sea, I love him so much. I'm so happy for my older sister, Aurora, and super envious of her little bundle. I mean, LOOK AT HIM!
What was an unexpected obstacle?
The distance that marriage creates between you and your friends was a big surprise. Especially because we're young and no one our age is married, it's created a really big separation between what I want and need in my life, as well as what is important and how I spend my time, and what my friends goals, cares, and time-kills are. We just don't relate like we used to, and this has ended a few friendships and made some others not as prevalent in my life.
Pick three words to describe 2010.
Transformational. Challenging. Enlightening.
Pick three words your spouse would use to describe your 2010 (without asking).Heartbreaking. Character-building. Lonely.
Pick three words your spouse would use to describe their 2010 (without asking).Divisive. Growth-inducing. Love-filled.
What were the best books you read this year?The Left Hand of Darkness by Ursula LeGuin was so good but is definitely not for everyone because of her scientific style of writing. Wild Swans by Chang Jung was a really emotional, eye-opening read, which I loved. I also reread Siddhartha by Herman Hesse, which is one of my top five favorite books, and it was just as enlightening as every other time. All the other books I read this year were mediocre.
With whom were your most valuable relationships?
Well, Dom is a given, right? So, besides my darling husband, I grew even closer to my older sister, which I find remarkable since we're separated by the Pacific Ocean. I also cherish the few friends in the states and Asia that have kept in constant contact with me, keeping me in their prayers and thoughts.
What was your biggest personal change from January to December this past year?
Hands down, my desire to always be independent and repulsion of needing anybody. I've grown a lot spiritually and emotionally and learned that being able to lean on another person and turning to them is not weakness but a gift and an honor. I've learned how to submit to my husband and still maintain my identity and opinion.
In what ways did you grow emotionally?
I've become a lot less naive and trusting with people. I'm not sure if this is completely good or bad, but I've come to expect less from people and not always start off thinking that someone is going to treat me well. I enter every new meeting with a blank tablet and let that person show me who they are so that I don't enter with false expectations and get hurt. In the same way, I don't judge them prematurely, condemning them as a bad person, just to be ashamed later on. I trusted all the wrong people since coming to Guam and have learned that they were the wolves and those they steered me away from were the sheep.
In what ways did you grow spiritually?
I have spent this past year pretty much on my knees. With all of the drama and stress I was going through, I had no choice but to rely on God, realizing that I was too weak to get through everything intact emotionally and spiritually. It was the first time in my life that I relied wholly on Him and humbled myself enough to admit that I can do nothing without Him who strengthens me.
In what ways did you grow physically?
Well, I didn't grow so much as shrink. For reasons unknown to me, I have lost about 40 lbs since moving to Guam, and my weight is still going down. I exercised on and off, always getting out of the routine because of time constraints, but I have a new appreciation for physical activity since I now have someone I'm not embarrassed to exercise in front of.
In what ways did you grow in your relationships with others?
I've learned to trust the people in my life who have proven their trustworthiness much more than I did previously. I'm still guarded, but I am much more affectionate and openly appreciative than I was before.
What was the most enjoyable part of your work (both professionally and at home)?
Well, I haven't had a profession since arriving on Guam because I don't know anybody, and that's the only way to get hired here (infuriating!). But I really appreciate being able to take care of the home that Dom and I are making together. I don't like chores in and of themselves, but I enjoy taking care of my husband and showing my love for him through doing the laundry and making him dinner.
What was the most challenging part of your work (both professionally and at home)?
Um, honestly, just getting over the fatigue that has haunted me this year. I'm always either getting sick, sick, or recovering from being sick, so all of the physical work of keeping house exhausts me.
What was the single biggest time waster in your life this year?
Oh, internet, how I love and loathe thee. What else could it be, right? Games, Stumple-Upon, and Facebook are so tempting. But actually, I think I napped more this year than I was on the computer.
What was the best way you used your time this past year?
I spent most of my time with Dom, so what could be better than time with your loved one? But I enjoyed exploring the island, going down south, and just curling next to each other with books.
What was the biggest thing you learned this past year?
I can do NOTHING without Christ, but I can do ALL things through Christ, who strengthens me.
Create a phrase or statement that describes 2010 for you.
Diamonds in the rough shine the brightest.

How I've Been Dealing With Stress

2010-09-29T16:15:00.001+10:00

With a new husband, school, and a crazy schedule, my life has been pretty hectic lately. Though I don't work, Dom has school and work five days of the week, not getting home until six some nights, so I am the main caretaker of where we live, and I am finding out that being a housewife is a full-time (and very tiring) occupation. These things, as well as life's normal problems and not-so-normal problems, can cause even the most together person some stress, and I am no exception.

In the past, I've dealt with stress by ignoring it and pushing through until I couldn't anymore, and then I would freak out. But as someone who is now responsible for two people, I can't stick to that routine. Plus, it is not good for you mentally, emotionally, physically, and most important, spiritually. So, lately I've come up with a few little releases that help me conquer the days, weeks, and months joyfully and with thanksgiving, which brings so much more to life than just getting through the every day.

Turn to God.
The most important thing to remember is that God is always there to help us carry our burdens. It is when we try to go through life without Him that things start to get unbalanced, and we feel like we're losing control. If we just give up control in the first place, to Him, then we can experience freedom. Whenever Dom and I get a little overwhelmed, we find peace in saying a little prayer or reading the Bible to ask for help and remind ourselves that we don't have to do anything alone.
Prioritize.
Do not let things that are not that important ruin your day or week. Many people have the tendency to forget about what things truly deserve their attention: family, health, friends. We tend to sacrifice time spent with those we love in order to work on things that won't matter a month down the line. I keep reminding myself that the homework that is due tomorrow won't be remembered next week, but I will never get this time I could be spending with my husband, my grandmother, my mother back. Not only that, but nothing is worth making yourself sick over. It makes you unable to complete other things and defeats the purpose. It may be cliche, but it is nonetheless true that no one knows how much time they have left on earth. There are only 24 hours in a day, and they may be your last, so use them wisely and efficiently.
Simplify.
Most things that seem complex can be taken down to a more manageable level. Though I try to make pretty involved dinners every night, I've learned that sandwiches every now and then are not a sin. Or a big pot of spaghetti. I'll wash only the clothes that are needed instead of all three loads, saving that for a day when I have more time. Simplify your life, lower your stress.
Take a nap.
Though you may think that there is no time for a nap, when you are stressed out, you tend to work slower and make more mistakes. Not to mention that it makes your work less enjoyable. I tend to take about an hour nap every other day so that I don't fall over. Taking a short power nap (20 or 40 minutes) will rejuvenate you, helping you focus so you work faster. Plus, sleeping helps heal the brain. During sleep is when the mental mess we made during the day is cleaned up and the clutter cleared, leaving us feeling less foggy. Taking a short nap can clear your head and help you to see what you were having such a difficult time seeing before.
Make a change.
Stress is often a result of feeling out of control. To help combat that feeling, change something about yourself or your environment. It will give you a sense of control in the midst of chaos. When I was younger I would dye and/or cut my hair whenever I felt very stressed. Now I like to try a new hairstyle or a new meal. Decorating where you work the most a little differently can not only give you a feeling of calm but also help relieve the feeling of monotony.
Get enough sleep.
This should be an obvious one. Not getting enough sleep can cause problems mentally, emotionally, and physically. Everyone needs six to eight hours a night in order to operate normally the next day. It's better to go to sleep on time and wake up a little early to finish something than to stay up late to finish it. Performance levels decrease as the hours pass.
Eat good food.
An active body needs the right fuel to power it. Junk food will give a temporary sugar fix but will ultimately leave the body without enough energy and feeling unsatisfied. Getting the right amount of grains, fruits, vegetables, protein, and dairy will provide you with all the energy you need to get through your busy day and will decrease the likelihood of getting sick.
Treat yourself.
Even though you need to have a balanced and healthy diet, every now and then you need to reward yourself for working hard. Indulge in your favorite treat but make sure not to go overboard. Dom and I like to reward ourselves with a couple of scoops of ice cream a few times a week. But your reward doesn't need to be food either. Buy a pair of shoes, play some video games, take a longer nap. Anything that makes you feel like you've been rewarded.
Ask for help.
Humans were not made to be alone, but we often tell ourselves that we are meant to go it alone. We put unnecessary pressure on ourselves with the lie that we must do everything on our own without ever getting assistance. And we let our pride step in and keep us from admitting that we are not superhuman. Whenever I've had a particularly busy day or I'm having a stressful night, I ask Dom to help me with dinner. Yes, he has his own busy schedule, but he'll stop everything to help me. And I, in return, help him when he needs it. We can't always be expected to give 100% so instead of trying to stretch your 80% the whole way, just be thankful for the people in your life who are willing and able to offer up that 20%. And look for opportunities to do the same.
Let yourself be pampered.
During the week Dom isn't home, so I take care of the house and meals. But on the weekends, I sit back and let him take care of me a little bit. Sometimes you just need to let someone else take care of you, whether it be your husband, your family, or a spa. Don't be lazy or take advantage of them, but let yourself slow down and stop insisting on working all weekend long.

Wedding Pictures

2010-06-30T13:20:00.017+10:00

Here are (finally) some pictures from our wedding. Once again, Dom's cousin Pat took these amazing shots. Check out his work on his website.

Engagement Pictures

2010-05-24T15:10:00.020+10:00

Here are FINALLY some shots from mine and Dom's two engagement photo shoots. For the first shoot, we went all around the southern end of the island, my favorite part. And the second shoot we did at a Japanese Resort called Leo Palace, the same place we took our honeymoon at. So beautiful.

All photos were taken by our cousin, Patrick Camacho. Check out his amazing photography.

Carrot Salad

2010-05-13T21:25:00.002+10:00

Man, I have not written in here in way too long, and I apologize profusely. Things got really busy before the wedding, and then after the wedding I was really busy with being married. haha. I will do a post of wedding pictures very soon, and maybe I'll be able to add a video of it.

This blog is not about any of that, though. haha.

Since getting married, I have become far more domestic than I ever thought I'd be. I pack Dom's lunch on the days he works, make him breakfast before he leaves, do laundry and clean our room on Fridays, and do the general errands throughout the week. One of my favorite activities is cooking dinner, though, because we do it together.

The tricky part, however, has been making our diet healthy while trying to work around the fact that he doesn't like fruits or vegetables. haha. He grew up in a house where he was forced to clean his plate, so as an adult he has a distaste for them. Luckily, he has an open mind, and I've found a few recipes to get him to incorporate fruits and vegetables in his diet (like peanut butter and apple sandwiches with whole grain bread). One really healthy salad that has fruits, vegetables, and proteins that he really enjoys, though, is a carrot salad I make. It's really refreshing, crisp, and a little sweet and serves as a nice addition to a light lunch or dinner. We both really like it, so I figured I'd share the recipe for it.

Carrot Salad

4 carrots, shredded
1 apple, peeled, cored, and shredded
1 tbs. lemon juice
2 tbs. honey
1/4 cup blanched slivered almonds (or walnut halves)
1/2 cup cranberries

In a bowl, combine all ingredients. Toss and chill before serving.

Super easy and really tasty.

Dom+Crys Picture Post

2010-01-24T17:42:00.012+10:00

I realized that I haven't posted ANY pictures of Dom and I. So...picture post!

Dom did some photography for a dinner theater show, so I went to watch the show, and we got our picture snapped.First date photo. Who cares that we had already been engaged for a month?!Tropical kisses!Candid shot around the house.Sometimes we get really bored.And sometimes we make faces at each other.

Us singing a hymn at youth group.

So far away...

2010-01-24T15:10:00.003+10:00

If someone were to ask me if I am happy, I wouldn't quite be able to look them in the eye while saying, "Yes." Though I am joyful and have laugh-filled days, every day is tinged a dusty yellow by a deep sadness I carry everywhere with me.

I miss California. I miss my friends and my sister. I miss Kaida and Patty O'Green. I miss driving over 50 mph, long stretches of freeway, Payson library, and driving around Irvine with Poom. I miss Kendall and Kobe. I miss my new sisters. I miss early-morning conversations with Harris and being interrupted by a constant stream of "hello"s while having lunch with David. I miss Laemmle, having my own apartment, and the sound of the city.

But all that is past, and every day here is a reminder that my childhood and young adult grace period are over, and now I'm faced squarely with reality. And he's better armed.

I like my life here. I am in love with Dominick. I love my family, the people, the weather, the feel of this little island. But sometimes I grow tired of its limited 30 mile stretch, and I wish I could grow wings and fly to the States for the winter. I don't want to relocate, but I wish to visit, to be closer to the people I love than a Skype call can afford.

And more and more I've been realizing and growing disheartened by the fact that all those that I left behind won't even be a part of my union with Dominick. My best friend feels irrelevent these days, and none of the people I care for have been able to watch our love grow. All the people I care about are in the States, and I'll be lucky enough to get my siser out here let alone Harris or David or Poom. No one is here to help me plan, giggle with me, gossip with me, or go crazy with me. No one to attend my bridal shower or bachelorette party. I can't ask my best friends to be in my bridal party. And when I turn to be announced as Mrs. Dominick Santos for the first time, it will be to a room full of strangers save six (maybe eight) faces.

I never planned (as if you could plan for such a thing) to move far away and meet someone so that everyone who has been a part of my life for the past twenty-one years is unavoidably excluded. I had always hoped that, were my best friends to be absent from my wedding, it would have been because I knowingly planned to be married abroad. But now it's just that I have no other choice.

And so, I miss everyone I left behind more than ever, and more and more I feel stretched between two places, two peoples. California isn't my state, but this isn't my island. This isn't my church. These aren't my friends. And out of the one hundred people that we're inviting to the wedding, ninety-four of them won't be my family.

Except for the man waiting at the end of the aisle, this isn't my dream. It's merely a final technicality.

So far way, doesn't anybody stay in one place anymore? It would be so fine to see your face at my door. Doesn't help to know that you're just time away. Long ago I reached for you, and there you stood. Holding you again could only do me good. How I wish I could, but you're so far away.

Time to put a ring on it!

2009-12-31T11:00:00.003+10:00

Dom and I finally ordered our rings!! It took us awhile to choose them since he wanted something dazzling, and I wanted something cost effective. haha. I didn't want a diamond because I don't think that they are all that special. They cost way too much and everyone has them and they could be corrupt and all types of things. But he wanted me to have some bling. I don't wear yellow gold, but he's allergic to silver, and white gold and platinum are too expensive for my taste. Honestly, I just didn't want him spending a lot on rings because, though I know that they are to last forever, I wanted him to save money for other reasons.

Finally, though, after looking at a LOT of rings, we found a shop on Etsy that makes gorgeous titanium rings with precious and semi-precious stones. Since titanium is so common, the rings' prices went way down, but they are more scratch-proof and durable than any other metals that rings are commonly made of. And I chose an engagement ring with a white sapphire, which is just as radiant as a diamond and almost as hard on Moh's scale, but way more reasonable in price. Plus, it comes with the guarantee that blood wasn't shed for it. And my engagement ring and his wedding band have sterling silver inlays for a little bit of contrast and uniqueness.

We haven't received our rings yet, but right now we're really happy with our choices, and we can't wait for them to get shipped from the states. It'll take a few weeks since we're getting them custom made, so here are the store photos to suffice for now.

My engagement ring:
My wedding band:Dom's wedding band:

November Notes

2009-12-09T22:20:00.004+10:00

I never thought I'd say this, but music is not part of my daily life anymore. I don't know what happened. It used to be that I was constantly plugged into Lennon (my laptop) or Kero (my mp3 player). Personally, I blame it on Dom since he's been a) hijacking all my time and b) hijacking Kero.

This is all a way to say that November's music list is very minimal. The same few songs played over and over, and, though I am still constantly updating my music library, I don't have any time to listen to the new acquirements. Plus, due to limited hard drive space, I had to move half of my music library to Dom's desktop. Kill me, right?

Anyway, these are the few notes that resonated throughout November. Hopefully, December will be more robust.

The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face

2009-11-09T10:09:00.001+10:00

The Proposal

2009-10-28T23:36:00.007+10:00

Why can't I have a stenographer in my head to document the important parts of my life as they happen? So much blessing has been poured upon me that my meager vocabulary will leave the page starving for meatier adjectives.

I am engaged! Dominick proposed to me on the 10th, and I said yes!

I honestly didn't think that he was going to propose until after December, and neither did he because he wanted to complete some things first. But we went to dinner with Uncle, and he asked Dom why he hadn't asked me yet, and that question stuck with Dom. He also told us that we needed to come up with a plan that would turn the two paths of our lives into one.

The next day, we decided to start working on the plan, but we got into a really intense conversation about Billy. I had mentioned him before, but I hadn't given details. So, we went outside, and I told him all about that situation, and then the conversation turned to Steve.

I started telling him all of the things Steve did and how I was affected by them. I'd never told anyone about my abandonment issues or how unloved I knew I was by him. I had never faced or own my belief that I am unlovable. But everything started to pour out of me. And Dom told me that he loves me, he's never going to leave me, isn't afraid that I'm going to leave him, and that my period of being alone is over.

I felt myself tear up, but my natural response is to just stop the emotion, and my body sucks the tears back in. Whenever I come close to being overwhelmed, my heart flat lines instead, and I become robotic. He saw me retreating and, touching my face, said, "Just let it go." And I did. I broke, and I sobbed.

In my mind, all the memories of things Steve did or said that made me feel unloved popped up but were immediately replaced by memories of Dom doing or saying something that let me know that he loves me. Hundreds of heart-printed band-aids.

I cried on his knee, but looking up, I grinned and told him about the change that had just occurred within me. After hearing that, his eyes changed, and he looked at me as though he had never seen me before. New eyes.

"What do you think about maybe marrying me?"

"Are you asking?!"

"What do you think you'd say?"

"Are you asking me?!"

He nods.

"Do you want to go on a new adventure with me?"

And then I erupted into a stream of giggles like bubbles pouring forth from a wand in the wind. He had to wait at least five minutes before he got my answer.

"Yes, please! I have no objections."

Every time we've taken a step together (him claiming me, him asking to court me), he's asked me to go on an adventure with him. And I always answer, "Yes, please," and let him know that I have no objections.

Dom ended up proposing to me because, in that moment, he had no other choice. It was time, and he knew it. Though he had no ring, there was no photographer, my face was streaked with tears, and we were just sitting in my back yard, it was the most perfect proposal I could have ever asked for because it raged forth from his heart like a bull let out of its pen. He simply had to ask me.

Afterward, we had to wait another half hour for me to gain composure, and then we did a plan for the next eight years of our lives together.

Armed with the plan, he went and asked my mother's permission to marry me. She was so stuck on the plan and how soon we want to get married that she spoke for a half hour without even answering his question, so he ended up having to ask twice!

We told Auntie and Uncle and Marina afterward. Then we drove to his house and woke everyone up at around 11:30 to tell them. Sleepy faces and limp bodies turned to smiles and hugs that swallowed me whole.

The next day, they announced it in church. Dominick and Crystal are engaged. Crystal and Dominick are getting married.

Crystal and Dominick.

Dominick and Crystal.

Forever.

Puzzle Pieces

2009-10-28T21:16:00.007+10:00

I met Dominick the day after I landed on Guam. I was in my uncle's church, standing in the front pew (my family's pew), glancing around at all the people I was going to have to meet once the service was over. Turning to my left, I was struck. Walking to the front of the church on the opposite side was a Chamorro boy, dark skin and black, penetrating eyes. And I immediately wanted to stand next to him, be in his orbit, sucked in by his gravity. Our eyes met, but he immediately turned away, as though looking at me stung.

Turning to my mother, I said, "Look at that boy! His eyes are striking. He has struck me."

I knew right then that he was The One. But I was so afraid, and I made my mind up to ignore it. Throughout the service, I couldn't help looking at him, and I found that he was often looking my way, as well. Same momentary eye contact followed by a swift retreat.

After church, every member of the congregation lined up to meet my family and I. Except for him. I watched him as I leaned in to kiss brown face after brown face. Watched him wander around the church, wander away from me, finding things to do that didn't involve being anywhere near me. I have to admit that I was simultaneously amused and frustrated. I was ready to meet him in order to be disappointed with him so that the pull I felt could end.

Finally, he made his way to the back of the church and sat in the last pew, a few feet away from me. My uncle saw him there and cried, "Dom! Have you met my nieces?" And that's how we met. Him afraid to talk to me. Me trying to fight the need to be next to him. Dominick, this is Crystal. Crystal, this is Dominick.

Boy meets girl. Puzzle pieces connect.

We spoke very briefly before he moved away from me. As he walked, one of the babies in the church, Eziah, reached out, away from his mother, towards Dom. Seeing that, seeing Dom's love for children and their love for him, melted the lock on my heart. I was no longer afraid to know him, need him, grow to love him. I was ready to be drawn in.

What I was afraid of, however, was being drawn into something that wasn't of God. So I prayed and prayed that, if these feelings weren't of God, weren't God's doing, that they would go away. Leave me and never return. But they never left; they only strengthened.

He didn't talk to me again for another week. At our first youth study, he walked in, saw me, and walked into another room. On Saturday, August 15th, he came to the house with his brother and sister for a little while, and I managed to completely insult his intelligence. I was making tuna salad with mustard in it, and he said that he had never heard of it.

"Mustard? It's the yellow stuff that goes on sandwiches and hot dogs."

...Yea. Oops.

But he wasn't too insulted, I guess, because the next day we went to Ritidian Point for a baptismal, and he followed me when I invited him to come dance in the rain on the beach. We sat in the shallow section of the ocean, immersed to our necks in the warm, salty water, and talked as waves rocked us.

The next Thursday, August 19th, was youth study, and, after arriving late, he proceeded to make eye contact with me constantly throughout the lesson. Very distracting. And he no longer pulled away, making the impact of his eyes course through me until the darts made a bull's eye of my heart, over and over again. Afterward, he came up to me for the very first time and started a conversation about my first day at the University of Guam. And that moment, the marking of his taking initiative in our relationship, was the last push we needed to go speeding down a steep slope into love. The night he got my number (and didn't know what do do with it), and that was the first time I thought, "Maybe he feels this, too."

Twelve days after I met him, I told Marina that Dom was the one I was going to marry.

The first time he called, he called my home instead. I later learned that it was out of respect for my mother. My uncle answered and told me it was David as he passed the phone because he had heard Naka mentioned a few times. When I answered, Dom said, "So I guess my name is David now?" I am suspicious that Uncle did this in order to make Dom think that other guys call the house for me. Make him panic a little. Sneaky, Uncle!

A week later, he brought me home from UOG (with a few errands ran in-between), the first time we were alone and free to talk without anyone else interrupting or joining the conversation. And the next night, he invited Marina and I to join his brother and cousin on a photo shoot. Marina and I basically kept to ourselves, dancing and trying to not get eaten by mosquitoes, and I'm pretty sure that his cousin talked to me more than he did. But after he dropped us off that night, he sent me a text thanking me for going with them. And that conversation didn't end until morning.

From then on, we texted constantly. Upon waking, I'd reach for my phone to either send one to him or see that he had send me a good morning message. And we'd talk throughout the day until we passed out in the early hours of morning.

Our conversations were never "normal." I think one of the very first times we talked, he asked me about my father. If he were anyone else, I would have shut down right then. But we talked about it. We talked about everything. All my pain. All my joy. Memories. Past "relationships." Desires. Fears. And the joy I felt was indescribable. I was giddy and bubbly like those teenage girls I've always despised, but it was deep, grounded, and full. Not thin like dish soap bubbles that pop before they have a chance to reach the sun. He and I spoke of having "twin grins" that wouldn't leave our faces and had matching, secretive eyes.

Of course, in the midst of all this, neither of us admitted to the other that the joy we were feeling was caused by blossoming love. Instead, we chose to speculate about how OTHER people must thing that there's something going on between us. And we thought of all the different ways we could make their suspicions grow. And when we were together, we fought the laughter that was constantly tickling our throats. And our faces grew sore from the perpetual twin grins.

The whole time, I knew that I had found my other half, and I had no legitimate doubt that he liked me. But I was frightened because the past had taught me that the men I get close to leave. So, though I knew the first time I saw him that my place was beside him, I was unwilling to clutch at that truth, holding it very lightly and away from me, like a puppy you're afraid might bite.

On September 14th, we had the first of a slew of landmark conversations. That night, I confessed to Dom that I was afraid of him. I admitted that I was afraid that the intensity of our connection would fizzle. I admitted that I was afraid that he would leave me. That I would get bored with him. That what we shared, the secrets in our eyes, the half moons on our faces, and the love like vines taking over my heart, would die. And he told me that he would never leave. Our connection would never die. That we would be together for life.

Bam. One unlocked shackle off my heart.

On September 15th, in the very early morning, he claimed me. He didn't ask. He just said, "I lay claim." Of course, I couldn't let him off that easily, so I said, "You lay claim on me?" And that tripped him up, and he wasn't sure how to answer. "Haha. Maybe. You're over here now. And I'm trippin'. Again." So I said, "I have no objections," and he answered, "I think I want it, too." Exactly 37 days after we met, we were together.

Our talk immediately turned to marriage, and I think the very first thing I asked him was whether or not we wanted kids. At no point has our relationship been ordinary, and we both were in it for life, for marriage, from the very beginning. We both knew that we were it.

He very nervously told his parents that day (he wasn't technically allowed to date, but then again, we never technically dated), and I very joyously told my family the following day. ("Dom likes me, and it makes me happy!") Everyone knew, of course, and (for the most part) shared in our joy. That night our two families came together in a new way, and we were sick with anxiety until we saw each other.

On the 29th, he asked my mother for permission to court me. Which she granted. And we started a whole new page together.

Neither of us ever pushed our relationship, and things just unfolded at their own pace. We've been through more together in less than three months than the average couple covers in their first year or two together. Constantly throughout our time together (and even before we were together) we've sought God. We want His will; we want His blessing. We want Him to look at our relationship and feel glorified by it. It's obvious to us and those around us that He has orchestrated the time line we've been been operating on. So, while the rapid expansion of our love may puzzle the world, we know that it is just as it should be, in the timing designed for it, with our Lord as the center of it.

After a little less than a month of struggling in different areas, getting to know each other better, and learning how to fill the roles that God laid out for us in relation to each other, we got engaged on October 10th around 9:30 pm. 62 days after that first Sunday.

That, though, is a whole separate entry.

Remember September

2009-10-05T16:17:00.002+10:00

September was made mostly of sappy love songs that I twisted to be about Dominick and I. haha. Whatevs, man. Don't judge.

Steps to take

2009-09-30T18:28:00.002+10:00

Everything in my life is different now that I have Dominick in it. Instead of operating as a "me," I am learning to think in terms of "we." One flesh. Though we aren't married yet, cleaving together is a process of becoming.

Simultaneously, however, each of us has to work on our individual issues that may hold us back from giving 100% to this marriage. I want to do this right, go into a life with him as prepared as possible, already acting as a wife so that the transition is easy. And I know that there are parts of myself that need to change so that I can be the wife God intended me to be to my husband.

The most important thing I need to work on is submission.

"Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body. Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything" (Ephesians 5:22-24).

Being submissive isn't about being silent, being a slave. It's about supporting him no matter what he does, even if I don't agree. But really, it's not about him, Dom. It's about trusting God. Being submissive and obedient to God by falling under the covering of my husband.

This is difficult for me because I've always been an independent woman. Never have I had a male figure that I've had to answer to, and I've always taken care of myself. I'm no damsel, and I made that clear to Dominick early on. But I need to let him take care of me, need to let him feel needed, need to stop doing everything for myself. It's not that fact that I can do everything myself. It's that I'm not meant to.

Besides learning my place as a wife, I also need to work on my walk with Christ, becoming strong in my knowledge of the Word so that I can support Dominick with God's word, which pierces to the heart and is the only truth that can lead us. I need to become what the Bible lays out as a "virtuous woman."

The qualities of a virtuous woman (as laid out in Proverbs 31:10-31)

worth more than jewels as a wife
trusted by her husband
does her husband only good and no evil
works with her hands
provides food for the household
helps the poor and the needy
wears strength and honor as clothing
speaks wisdom
is not idle
speaks kindness
fears the Lord ("Charm is deceitful and beauty is passing, but a woman who fears the Lord, she shall be praised.")

This is what I want to be; this is what I am working toward. This is what I will be. Because I love God and because I love Dom.

And I do love Dom.

Combinations

2009-09-18T01:05:00.002+10:00

I met someone. No. Correction: God brought me someone. Not just "someone" but The One. Dominick. I knew the first time I saw him that my place was beside him. Even though we've only known each other for five weeks, the people around us could see that God was bringing us together within the first two. It seems fast, but God has been guiding us toward each other from the beginning. Right now we're concentrating on getting to know each other and preparing for marriage, and we're keeping Him at the center of this new adventure. We're going to take it slowly, letting things develop in His time. But we're really enjoying these new beginnings as our families are coming together and we're learning about each other.

Dom is God's resounding "YES!" to all the prayers I've ever made about a future husband and father for my children. When I go to God in prayer, I can't help but weep from being overcome with thankfulness for the blessings that He is lavishing upon me through Dom. I can't convey through words how intense my desire to burrow my face into Christ's lap and cry tears of gratefulness for such an undeserved gift.

I'm not who I was anymore. I have found my puzzle piece.

Combinations

I, I saw you there, wanted you there.
I, I knew that it was best for me.
You brought me back to that place in my heart
I thought was gone. Oh so long,
I was unhappy. Now it's gone,
And I'm moving on, moving on.
I'm moving on.

I went for so long,
And I was so wrong,
And then I met you.
And now I can't live without you,
And I don't want to.
I've done that all my life up till now.

Pass the evening, bring tomorrow.
How could we know that night would bring us into daylight?
Combinations all around us.
Fill our heads with the love we've been feeling
For time long past.

I went for so long,
And I was so wrong,
And then I met you.
And now I can't live without you,
And I don't want to.
I've done that all my life up till now.

All the time, darling now, oh,
All the time, now we'll have to make it up.
We'll make it up, oh.
All the days, darling now, oh,
All the days, now we'll have to make them up.
We'll make them up somehow.
We'll make them up.

I went for so long,
And I was so wrong,
And then I met you.
And now I can't live without you,
And I don't want to.
I've done that all my life.

I went for so long,
And I was so wrong,
And then I met you.
And now I can't live without you,
And I don't want to.
I've done that all my life up till now.

- Eisley

Heart of Glass

2009-09-12T23:22:00.003+10:00

Sometimes I wish that the heart was one-dimensional so that it couldn't hide so many competing feelings within its layers.

Not too long ago, I came home to an unexpected conversation about my father. When I talk about him, I always keep it matter-of-fact. He did this. He didn't do this. Like the details in a police report. I suppress all of the emotions that push against my skin and never share with anyone how what he did or didn't do made me feel or makes me feel. If I keep that area of my life cold and scientific, I won't ever have to face the solemn poetry of it all. 2+2=4 instead of a lifetime of dealing with feelings of abandonment and guilt.

Among family, however, things can never stay behind the glass in a cabinet no one is allowed to touch. Everyone wants to take out the breakable objects to pass around and speculate about. And so the questions were asked: "How do those things make you feel?" and "How do you deal with such emotions?"

"I deal with them by not talking about the feelings I don't allow myself to feel," is, apparently, not an acceptable answer. So I just stumbled through with vagueness and detachment. "This topic really doesn't concern me." But inside, I was quaking with the rumble you feel before a huge storm hits.

There are parts of your life you can't escape because they are the very ingredients that make you who you are. And if you want to change yourself, you have to know what all has been dumped into the pot on the stove. My problem isn't that I won't admit to myself how I feel or the many ways that my steps are shackled to the past. It's that I have many cooks in my kitchen, and I haven't told any of them what is inside of me.

When I was in therapy, any time questions about Steve would arise, I would shut down. And my therapist knew it. My speech changed. My eyes were downcast wanderers. After realizing that my defenses weren't going to come tumbling down no matter what tactic he tried, exasperated, he told me that I need to honestly tell someone of my feelings before I will ever move beyond them. Scoff scoff.

That day with my family wasn't a day of breakthrough where I quietly and unreservedly unlocked the china cabinet. But it made me want to. For someone. And for myself.

Pienso En Ti

2009-09-07T16:25:00.000+10:00

Cada día pienso en tí
pienso un poco mas en tí
despedazo mi corazón
se destruye algo de mí.
Cada día pienso en tí
pienso un poco mas en tí.

Cada vez que sale el sol
busco en algo el valor
para continuar así
y te veo así y no te toque
rezo por ti cada noche
amanece y pienso en ti
y retumban en mis oídos
el tic-tac de los relojes
y sigo pensando en ti
y sigo pensando...

How to measure a life

2009-09-06T21:59:00.003+10:00

I wish my brain had a USB drive so that I could upload all that is going on within my head and heart. I am filled, overwhelmed, and overflowing with a great love for Guam, my life, and all the people in it. I feel like I'm learning to see beauty and love for the first time. The type that radiates within the very earth and every face.

I've changed a lot since I left in October. I've changed a lot in the four weeks that I've been here. A rapid expansion of the self and my understanding of all that actually entails. When I left Pepperdine, I had no idea what was going to happen to me. I saw having to take a break as synonymous with failing. Weakness. I couldn't see where God was leading me, and I grappled in the darkness for a long time before I decided to stop looking for a light switch and just let Him lead me out. But now I'm so glad I trusted because the blessings I've received have more than made up for the times I felt unsure and out of control.

I joked about being set free and all my time off a lot after I dropped out, but it hasn't been until now that I can think about the fact that I left school without feeling like I disappointed myself. I was holding myself up to a standard that I let the world set for me, what I thought I was supposed to be doing at my age. And I never once thought about whether or not God had a different expectation for me, different plans for me, a totally different goal for my life. It hasn't been until now, being here, seeing the fulfillment of the path I stepped onto the day I signed my withdrawal forms, that I see how my self-perceived failing was the first and most important step toward a radical redirection of my life.

What if I hadn't followed the calling I felt deep within me to leave Pepperdine and had succumbed to the pressure that I placed upon myself, having groomed myself for a good education at a prestigious college since I knew what it meant? Everyone who was around me a year ago and somewhat knew me should be able to attest to the sickness that was growing within me. In every way (spiritually, physically, mentally, emotionally), I was fading, trying to cover that all up by being social, working long hours, making others laugh so that I didn't have any time to cry. Had I stayed, where would I be now? WHO would I be now?

I'm learning about all the different ways a person can measure their life. For my whole life, I've had this picture of what I should be, and it was based upon all the "failures" of the generations before me. It was based upon the fact that I knew the world had low expectations for someone coming from my background, race, gender, socioeconomic class, etc. I wanted to defy all the norms, wanted to impress people and make my mother proud. And only then would I be a success, only then would I be worth anything. But now...now I want to know what living that way really accomplishes. Who would I be helping? When I'm dying, asking myself what I did with my life, what would I be able to truly be proud of?

Now I'm asking myself, how does God measure my life? When I have to face Him, He won't be impressed by the books I've read, the papers I've written, the degrees I've earned. I know what the passion of my heart is, have always known it - helping people. But I've always let that come second to my drive to be "successful." Not anymore. Never again. When I have to take responsibility for what I chose to do with my life, I want to be able to do it without shame.

I honestly don't know what this means in terms of actual plans for my life, the actions I'm going to take after UOG, whether I'm going to graduate school. The long-term eludes me, but I am at peace with that now. God knows. And for now, I have to concentrate on how I'm living from day-to-day. How do I choose to spend my time and with what people in what capacity?

Things I Miss in Random Order

2009-09-04T01:34:00.009+10:00

David laughing at me like I'm a crazy person whenever we're together.
David picking on me and me being too shocked to retaliate.
Embarrassing Poom in public by gasping and pointing at cute little kids.
Poom not allowing me to kidnap said cute kids.
Going to Harris' apartment at all hours of the night for a dose of rationale and "Crystal, what are you thinking?"
Harris' hugs!
"Working" in Payson until 3 am and all my regulars.
Driving 70 mph through the canyon at 3:30 am. In fog. Half asleep.
Freeway driving (sans traffic).
Carpooling with Andrew and him forcing me to listen to "9 to 5" by Dolly Parton.
Dancing/singing to "Paper Planes" by M.I.A. on Melissa's balcony.
Sleeping with Kaida.
Smoke breaks with the philosophy majors.
Caleb's philo classes.
Ditching class to see art films at Laemmle.
Quoting Invader Zim with my niece and nephew.
Living with Aurora.
Driving around in Monty with Geoff while singing "Sideways" by Citizen Cope.
Being forced to sing while playing Rock Band at EVERY party.
Sitting in Wrightwood with Barbara while talking, writing, or talking about writing.

The Invitation (Revisited)

2009-09-04T01:01:00.002+10:00

Back in January, I posted this poem because it represented all that I thought I wanted in other people. Today I went back and read it over again and realize...this is what I want in myself, for myself.

The Invitation

It doesn't interest me what you do for a living.
I want to know what you ache for
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.

It doesn't interest me how old you are
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool
for love
for your dreams
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon...
I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow
if you have been opened by life's betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your
fingers and toes
without cautioning us to
be careful
be realistic
to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand on the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
"Yes."

It doesn't interest me
to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after a night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn't interest me who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the center of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like the company you keep
in the empty moments.

- Oriah Mountaineer Dreamer (emphasis mine)

Interpretive Dreaming

2009-08-29T16:42:00.002+10:00

I've been dreaming a lot lately. I always like the periods when I am remembering them because I mostly awaken with no recollection.

A few nights ago, I had a dream I was so sure was fraught with symbolism, but the pieces of it started to drift away after I awoke until I felt I was grabbing at wisps of smoke.

The parts I do remember, though, are me floating serenely on a vast expanse of water on which hundreds of books and blank papers also drifted. Suddenly, David called out to me, and I jumped in to go to him. Though I thought it was deep enough to completely cover me, I wasn't afraid of falling into the water, but I soon found that I could easily wade toward him because it only came up to my chest. David was scolding me for something from afar, but I can't remember exactly what, nor do I think it was explicit in my dream.

When I went to a dream dictionary, this is the interpretation that I got:

Water symbolizes my unconsciousness and emotional state. Since it was clear and calm, it signifies I am in tune with my emotions. To be floating on the water shows I have a handle on my emotions, as does wading in it. The depth and clarity signify the power I have over them. Books indicate calmness and a steady progression toward my goals. Blank paper symbolizes my desire to make a fresh state. Seeing a friend represents aspects of my personality I've rejected but ar ready to face and incorporate. To be scolded means I'm being inhibited from expressing myself fully in some aspect of my life.

If I piece it all together, my dream is telling me that, while I have a good handle on my emotions, I'm not as in control as I thought since there are feelings that I'm rejecting and inhibiting myself from feeling. But I'm at the point where I want to feel those things and write on those blank pages. And my becoming aware of this shortcoming is helping my journey toward my ultimate emotional goal, which is represented by David.

So, the big question is, "What does David symbolize, what emotion that I'm blocking?" The answer: love. Relationships. The openness to falling in love. Because he is always telling me to be open, to not pull back, to let things follow their natural course.

My questions (which is unanswerable) is, "How does this dream correlate to what's taking place in my life right now?"

Scary question! Scarier answer!

...Or it means nothing at all, and it's just images conjured by a random firing of neurons in my brain.

A Little Bit of Family History

2009-08-29T13:52:00.002+10:00

Both of my great-grandparents were born in the Philippines in a time when life there was rough and filled with poverty. My great-grandfather was an orphan and spent his childhood being traded between different families and distant relatives. One day he found out his uncle was going to Hawaii to help in the sugar fields, and he decided to be contracted, as well. So, he took his uncle's last name and lied about his age, saying he was thirteen (which was the legal age to enter into a contract at that time). Off he went to Hawaii to work on the sugar plantations.

My great-grandmother never knew her mother, and since men were not accustomed to taking care of their children, she was also traded between different family members during her youth. She did see her father, though, who was a wealthy man. He used to take her horseback riding with him, and he told her that as far as her eyes could see was all the land he owned, the land that would belong to her one day, as well.

After my great-grandfather's contract in Hawaii ended, he returned to the Philippines. In classic Filipino culture, the elders decided it was time for him to marry and set out to pick a wife for him. My great-grandmother. After they married, however, he told her he was going back to Hawaii to work. A very smart woman (even though she was younger than sixteen), she replied, "Why would I marry you just so you could leave me? I'm going with you!" They went to Kaua'i, where he worked in the fields again.

My great-grandmother was pregnant twelve times, but she miscarried six times, and her three oldest boys succumbed to a plague (probably tuberculosis) and died at an early age. Three kids survived: my grandmother Rose and her brothers Johnny and Tommy.

I am listening to my grandmother tell stories, collecting pieces of my heritage and fitting them into a fuller picture of who I am.

Falling Slowly (August Mix)

2009-08-29T11:30:00.003+10:00

August has been a very good month, full of falling in love with my family, Guam, the people here, and my new life. I know I've said this before, but I truly feel as though my heart has grown over the past month with every new experience and meeting.

My uncle is a farmer, and he was telling me about how, while a lot of fruits can be grown anywhere, they will only thrive and come out their sweetest and fullest in certain climates. I feel that I've been trying to grow in the wrong place my whole life, and now I've finally put my roots down in soil that has what I need to live up to all that I was made to be.

Falling Slowly (August's Mix)

Bonus Tracks:
G-Dragon (지드래곤) - Heartbreaker
G-Dragon (지드래곤) - Breathe

Lady

2009-08-21T15:03:00.000+10:00

Love this song!

Lady - Jack Jones
by Rodgerdale

Khalil Fong - Timeless

2009-08-15T12:12:00.005+10:00

Khalil Fong has the unique distinction of being a Mandarin R&B artist in Hong Kong, a career that has proven fruitful with four LPs and a growing fan base. With his fifth album release, Timeless, he aimed to pay respect to those artists and songs that inspire his musical style and lyrics. He covers a range of artists, from Stevie Wonder to Faye Wong to Andy William, each reworking adding something new or revealing something about Khalil’s own music. This isn’t so much an experiment in reworking songs to fit his style as a musical homage to every artist that helped him get to where he is now.

“You Are the Sunshine of My Life” – Stevie Wonder: I knew that there would be a Stevie Wonder song on this album; the only question was, “Which one?” Wonder is obviously a huge influence on Khalil’s music, and so he probably could have chosen any song, but this was a wise choice. Though he didn’t change the song much musically, his vocals add a distinct sound. I didn’t care for the female vocalist in the beginning, though. She served as a distraction rather than adding to the effect of the overall piece. This reworking is very much a remake rather than a revisioning of the original, and even though it’s not as good as Wonder’s version, I never expected it to be since…come on. It’s a Stevie Wonder song.
“Nothing’s Gonna Change My Love” – Glenn Medeiros: This is such a wonderful version of an older song. Khalil kept the musical sentiment of the original piece but updated it in order to make it more accessible to a new generation. His voice fits the song perfectly, and I appreciate that he kept the song pretty simple. I enjoy his version more than the original!
“Bad” – Michael Jackson: This is the only song on the CD that does NOTHING for me. Khalil concentrated more on the funk background and decreased the pervasiveness of the original’s percussion section. Moreover, his vocal style just doesn’t compare to Michael’s for this particular song. Jackson had a very distinct sound in this song that is hard to duplicate well, and Khalil’s is just a watered-down version of it. I would have much preferred he chose a Jackson ballad.
“Kwang Chiu 狂潮”- Susanna Kwan 關菊英: I really enjoy Khalil’s version of this song. He made it less classical sounding and more R&B, but still kept it clean and beautiful with light percussion, strings, and a simple piano. The difference between his voice and style and Kwan’s is what really makes this version distinctive from the original, though.
“La Bamba” – Ritchie Valens: I have to admit, when I first saw this song on the track listing, I cringed. This song is difficult to remake well, and Khalil doesn’t even speak Spanish. However, I fell in love with it once I listened to it. He completely revisioned the music by slowing it down and adding a richer Spanish beat to it. He really did this song justice by deciding to rework it in his own style rather than imitate Valens’. His Spanish isn’t too bad, either!
“Red Bean” – Faye Wong: Such a wonderful song! The original is one of my favorite songs by Faye Wong, and I feel like Khalil added something to it when he redid it. I love how the simplicity of the music really emphasizes his voice and the lyrics. This is one of my favorite covers on the CD.
“Georgia On My Mind” – Ray Charles: In my mind, Ray Charles is king, and no one can touch this song. The emotion with which he sang it is something that cannot be duplicated. With that being said, I think that Khalil did a good job of tackling a song that represents so much. It can’t be compared to the original because it doesn’t carry the same sentiment for him as it did for Charles, but it’s still a nice version, highlighting the pleasantness of Khalil’s voice.
“Remember” – A-mei: This song isn’t really Khalil’s style, and I was apprehensive when going to listen to it. But my fears were proven unjustified because, even though it’s not his usual sound, it’s still really good. The original is such a beautiful, moving song, and Khalil really kept true to the original feeling. This is one of my favorite, favorite tracks.
“Wonderful Tonight” – Eric Clapton: I don’t care for this track as much as the others, but this is more because of the actual song and less because of Khalil’s take on it. His vocals are soothing, and I love the tenderness in the guitar, the bareness of the percussion. As far as how it compares to the original, I prefer Khalil’s voice in this particular song to Clapton’s, but I don’t think he added anything new the song. I would be more interested in hearing his version of “Tears in Heaven.”
“Moon River” – Andy William: This was the perfect way to end this CD. “Moon River” really embodies the idea of a timeless song. I’m glad that he chose to sing it in an unintimidating style akin to the famous Audrey Hepburn version rather than the way Andy Williams sang it originally. The addition of the jazzy trumpet really brought something new to the piece, as well. His subduing voice combined with the toned down instrumentals and the peacefulness of the lyrics just created magic. This is my absolute, hands-down, favorite track.

Fathers are Foreign

2009-08-15T09:34:00.002+10:00

I learned something very important about myself last night.

After a day of going hollo hollo (Hawaiian for "running around"), my cousins, mother, sister and I met up with my uncle, auntie, and grandmother for dinner. While gathering to pray, my uncle noticed that my bracelets had Catholic iconography on them and said, "You and I are going to have a talk, girlie." (In context, he is a Baptist pastor, and we had just had a discussion about Catholic saints and all that the night before.)

And I was immediately put on defensive mode, confused and somewhat frustrated. My immediate thoughts were along the lines of, "Who are you to father me?" It had really nothing to do with what he said; it was just the fact that he was acting paternal towards me. And I realized that I have no idea how to react when someone acts like they are my father because I've never had one before.

When Uncle did that, it evoked memories of whenever Steve would try to rear his biological position over me, manipulating my actions and feelings, and really hurting me. When he scolded or lectured, it wasn't out of a place of love. It was out of a place of authority and the need for me to conform to his ways. So, when my uncle did the same thing, even though I know that it was out of love, I immediately remembered why Steve did it and how I felt when he did. And I was confused and curled into myself.

And I think that is perhaps the saddest discovery I've made about myself in a very long time. I'd been hoping and praying that Uncle would act fatherly toward me because I've never had that type of father-daughter relationship that really directed me and helped me thrive. But I never suspected that it would hurt, as well. I never knew that it was something I didn't know how to do and was even fearful of. I never knew that I am crippled in this way. And every time will sting a little.

But I want it still. I know I need it. And I don't want my heart to be shut off to all sources of fatherly love just because it's unfamiliar. It's just going to be a battle between my head (which knows that not every man is Steven and that Uncle is nothing like him in his loving correction) and my heart (which links paternal parenting with hurt, manipulation, neglect, and guilt). It will be beneficial, although difficult, to break those connections and form the ones God intended, where "father" is synonymous with "love".

Trip to the Paseo

2009-08-14T10:41:00.001+10:00

On Wednesday, Marina and I had a bunch of college stuff to do in the morning. Orientation, registration, getting oriented...all that good jazz. Since we don't have a car yet, our uncle has been acting as chauffeur and tour guide. I feel so bad about it because he is a pastor and definitely has other people that need his attention, but I've also been enjoying being able to spend so much time with him because I know it will be different once school starts.

Inbetween things, though, we got lunch at a Japanese mart that sells fresh bento lunches, and then took them to Paseo de Susana to eat with an ocean view. The Paseo is a peninsula in Agana that was formed from the debris after World War II, and there is a nice beachy park area at the very end of it. The view there is fantastic, so I made Marina run around and pose. She's such a good little model, and I really enjoy photographing her (when she's compliant).

This is what freedom looks like. She was trying to sprout wings.Knocking the tree down with the Force.
Feeling triumphant.
What a wonderful day!

Come Home With Me

2009-08-12T20:16:00.000+10:00

I've been taking care of a lot of university nonsense for the past two days, but I haven't been able to shoot pictures of my new academic domain (apologies).

However, I realized that I haven't shown you where I'm living as far as a house. So, I was going to shoot pictures of the house and the rooms, but my auntie scolded me and told me not to show the rooms until they've been cleaned. ^-^

Driving up, the house looks modest with cars parked in front and Sally (our boonie-dog) seeking relief from the heat.

It's actually much bigger than its deceiving front allows, as I haven't even seen the whole house yet.

The walk to the front door is cloaked in various greenery,
including the lemon tree I go to each morning to add tang to my tea.

(Did you know there was such a thing as a green lemon?)

A gorgeous bougainvillea tree hovers right in front of the door, the magenta leaves distracting from the actual flower.

Around the house, our neighbor's hibiscus tree flows over our wall, a welcome intrusion.

This little traveler was especially thankful, flitting from flower to flower, pausing just long enough to pose for me.

And if you can turn away from the red flowers long enough, you'll see the jungle that is my backyard. I think I need a map to go in and make it out alive.

Venturing inside, you'll see the area we set up our camp (or cave, as my Uncle Bob has labeled it). It was previously known as one of the living rooms.

Though we are all sharing one room, I am content with my Japanese futon and reading lamp.

With all these books to read, the lamp is my only necessity.
(This doesn't even give a good idea of how many books are in the house. The entire house is a library.)

Hafa adai! Welcome to my home!

Boonie-Riding Through Guam

2009-08-10T13:53:00.000+10:00

Sunday was such a beautiful day! I really feel like an island girl now. We went to the church my uncle is pastor of, Yigo (pronounced Jigo) Baptist, and as soon as I walked in people recognized me as a Ramon. "You're Marilyn's sister or niece?" I met a lot of family, and I've never seen so many brown faces that look like mine.
My grandma is so happy to have us here, and my mother is finding great joy in being near her mommy.

We pulled some of the flowers outside the church to put in our hair and became true island girls! Too bad everyone thought we had a little Japanese mommy.

After church, we decided to take a full tour of the island, hitting up every village. It took the entire day, and we had to fill up the car. Gas is so expensive here!!

Down south is the prettiest part of the island because it's the least developed with tons of foliage. As we drove, my auntie pointed out banana, mango, coconut, and breadfruit trees, as well as all the different types of flowers and other plants. She is very very knowledgeable about these types of things, but all my eyes saw was GREEN.

My uncle drove us to a lookout point, and we all got out to be overwhelmed by the beautiful of God's creation.

Then Marina and I hiked up a little mountain to get an even better view. I just peered from the edge of the cliff at my new stomping grounds.

Afterward, we went to an old Spanish fort from when the Spanish occupied Guam and used it as a stopping point for shipping.

There were cannons there, as well.

And I immediately had to sit on one.

The view from the fort was gorgeous, but I think that the view is breathtaking no matter where you go.

There were some Chamorro natives who wanted me to ride a wild caribou they had there, but I was wearing a skirt and had to decline.

After a long day with sporadic rain, lots of driving, and many pictures, we went home to eat Filipino treats and mangoes and cucumbers from my Uncle Billy's garden.

Throw away your planner

2009-08-09T23:47:00.000+10:00

One major thing that I've already learned from this move is that I am absolutely clueless. Honestly, I know nothing.

I thought that I would have to wait at least two to three years before I was able to move to Asia and that I'd have to make the treck alone. But now, I'm sitting here unable to believe that I'm here so early. But early according to who?

God opened up every door for me and my family to leave the states and shut every one that would have allowed us to stay. What I thought I needed two years to prepare for, He made happen in a month because my concept of time is completely different from His. On His timeline, two years would have been to late, and I was ready to leave NOW. And with this move, all of my prayers were answered.

I didn't want to go back to Pepperdine. I didn't want to leave my mom. I wanted to know my Filipino family. I wanted to go to Asia. I wanted to switch majors. And I've gained everything because of God's mercy and generosity. But also, if I had been stubborn and stuck to my plan and my idea of correct timing, I wouldn't have been blessed in such abundance.

Who knows what He has planned for my life from now on? This just shows me that i can't preconceive any plans of my own because I have no understanding of His divine plan. Instead, I have to just trust Him and ride the wave of His will, which will always push me closer and closer to where I ultimately want to be, even if I don't know it yet.

How great is God that He always does what is best for His children, even when they are as clueless as I am?

First day of this life

2009-08-08T21:40:00.000+10:00

Today was my first claiming Guam as my new home. The trip over wasn't too bad, but twenty hours of travel really tests a person. The eleven hour flight to Tokyo was cramped and boring, and I didn't want to have to use the bathroom too many times, so I got really dehydrated. Such a bad move considering how sick I get if I don't have enough water, and I'm paying for it now.

When we landed in Tokyo, we had to go through so much in order to get out of the airport to see my Uncle Dennis. First, we were hit with the humidity and immediately started dripping sweat, even though we were indoors. It was miserable along with having to go through immigration and customs while toting around our carry-ons. But we finally met up with my uncle, the first time I'd ever met him, and we went to a nice cafe. I finally got authentic melon cream soda and shaved ice. Soooo good!

Our layover wasn't long enough, though. I wish we could have spent a few days in Tokyo, exploring the city. But round trip tickets to Japan are only $300 from Guam, so I'll be going there again as soon as possible. After three hours or so, Uncle Denny had to drop us off so we could head to our gate.Then we sat in the airport for a few hours with all the Japanese people who wanted to vacation to Guam. 17 hours into our 20 hour journey, and we were hot messes.

We landed in Guam around 2 am Guam time Saturday, which is 9 am Friday in California time. By the time we landed, I had been awake 27 straight hours! When we arrived at the house, we stayed awake with family for awhile, chatting and eating Japanese treats Uncle Dennis had sent with us. We all sat around in the kitchen until 5 am, when everyone started leaving to go to sleep.

But I, instead of sleeping, got on the phone with my friend David for four hours! I should have been absolutely exhausted, but instead I was hyper and really happy to talk to him. I felt really awful afterward, but it was worth it, and I am glad that I got to talk to him, the first person I talked to since landing. So I talked to him, and then passed out until almost 5 pm Guam time.

We didn't get to do much today, but we did get dressed to attend a vow renewal ceremony that my uncle was performing (he's a pastor). The church was beautifully decorated with these amazing island flowers. The colours and shapes are just captivating, and I made sure to shoot all of the blooms.

Afterward, we got to eat real Chamorro food at the reception. There was this really delicious rice,
pork, a glass noddle dish with cabbage, a bunch of different side salads (my favorite of which was a traditional Chamorro dish of eggplant cooked in coconut milk), a meat spread,and some amazing desserts (breadpudding, rice cakes (called potu), and ube bread). My auntie put together a little plate of all the native food for me to try out.

The view here is amazing, and I haven't been able to take any pictures to do the scenery justice. This is the view of Tumon (the tourist district).

I've never seen so much green, though. And the island is surrounded by the bluest, brightest water I've ever seen. Even my backyard is a jungle!

Although it's only the first day, I am already in love. The humidity had made my skin softer, and my hair is curling amazingly (without any frizz, too!). Plus, being surrounded by faces that mirror my own and people that I can call family has made my heart fatten up at least three sizes. I've had to stop myself from crying out of happiness several times today, and I just want to hug everyone tightly so that they can't escape from me.

I can't believe that I am with my family, and being here is still like a dream, but if it were a fantasy, it'd be the most beautiful one I've ever had, and I'd never want to wake up.

So long, so long

2009-08-05T16:55:00.000+10:00

I am sitting in my childhood house for the last time, waiting for Aurora to pull in and take us away from it forever. I lived in this rickety mobile home for seventeen years and returned to it for visits for three more. And after today, there will be no coming back. There will never be another reason for me to return to this desert I've loved and loathed my whole life except for visits with friends.

Yet, as I write this, no emotion arises within me. These are facts rather than sentiments. perhaps it's because I still haven't really accepted the reality of what is going on. But, rather, I believe it is due to my detachment. I've even completely let go of Kaida and am now only struggling with the force of habit.

Everything in life has its turn, and you have to be able to release each cycle once it's completed. At the same time, you have to be able to recognize and appreciate the significance and beauty of each moment, especially in light of its impending end.

With all of the goodbyes I've suffered through in this life, I think that I have come very close to mastering the art of detachment.

So, goodbye little house.

Fathers be good to your daughters

2009-08-04T16:46:00.001+10:00

Two days until we set off. It still hasn't clicked yet. Maybe it won't until weeks after we've landed, and I'm in the midst of school.

Sunday was Kobe's birthday party, and all the kids were over. Later that night Kendall, Kobe, Austin, Marina and I had a hotel sleepover party. Precious Kendall snuggled right into my side and fell asleep. I'm going to miss those kids so much, especially my darling niece. She started crying at one point, when I was holding her and talking to someone about Guam. Oh, my heart!

I just pray that the distance won't cause her to forget me or love me any less. Her love and attention has helped bring me back to life.

Today I realized that Saturday was the absolute last time I will ever have to see Steve again. If I ever meet him in the future, it'll be by choice and out of much effort on my part. With a clear purpose, as well, I'm sure. This both relieves and saddens me. Being in his presence sickens my heart and makes me fold into myself like a flower in darkness. But it simultaneously acknowledges that I have no real father or source of paternal love. It's the culmination of all the failings on both our parts. And it's the end of a completely unrealistic dream I've been secretly harboring for eleven years.

That one day I'd wake up and find that he'd become a loving man who is all action instead of talk, builds me up with words instead of abusing me with them, and is always there to support and share in my dreams instead of criticizing and ridiculing them. A man who draws circles instead of lines. A father. A good example to learn from and lean on. And the man I look for in all of my suitors instead of run from.

He will never be that for me. And this is the end of such a foolish fantasy.

But I know that I will find much fatherly encouragement in my Uncle Bob once I am out on Guam. And I pray that the man I marry has an amazing father that I can claim as my own. hehe.

I promise my future children that their father will be all those things Steve was not. They will not have to grow up like I did. I promise them and myself that. I'd rather never have children than break it.

Early July Music Post

2009-07-25T05:47:00.001+10:00

I'm going to share the songs I've been listening to throughout July a little early because (as of today) I only have 13 days until I board my plane to move to Guam. And I still have so much stuff to do! However, I have a little bit of time to upload these songs and do a little entry, so I figured I'd do it now because who knows when I'll have time once I'm overseas.

I had an array of different artists who got spotlighted this month, some new ones and obviously some of my favorites. F.T. Island's new CD, Cross and Change, was put on repeat since it just came out. It's sooooo good, too. I definitely recommend picking it up along with 2NE1's mini-album. This month was all about Korean pop. Also, my musical discover for this month was Zee Avi, an indie folk artist from Malaysia. Check her out.

July

1. Keane - Somewhere Only We Know
2. Kina Grannis - The Climb (Miley Cyrus cover on YouTube)
3. Anna Gilbert - Nobody Told You
4. Regina Spektor - Laughing With
5. Enrique Iglesias - Do You Know (The Ping Pong Song)
6. Super Junior 슈퍼 주니어 - Sorry Sorry
7. 2PM - I Don't Know Why I Came Back 돌아올지도 몰라
8. Christina Aguilera - The Voice Within
9. F.T. Island 에프티 아일랜드 - Make Little of Others 남의 속도 모르고
10. 2NE1 - I Don't Care
11. Zee Avi - Bitter Heart
12. David Choi - Don't Fade Away (YouTube)
13. The Fray - You Found Me
14. Remy Zero - Fair
15. The Jonas Brothers - A Little Longer
16. Demi Lovato - World of Chances
17. Sara Bareilles - Gravity

You Were There

2009-07-18T18:05:00.003+10:00

Poem written out of love.

I sought You out
to impress a boy
but wound up
being impressed upon.

I recognized You
like a face I'd seen
in several crowds.

You were there,
in the eyes
of all those I respect.

You were there,
in the hearts
of those I've loved.

You were there,
when I was lost in darkness,
calling my name from the light.

Throughout the stages
of my life,
You have been there
and will be there,
no longer a nameless love.

I am

2009-07-18T12:06:00.000+10:00

It's amazing to me how, no matter how far I wander, God always calls me back to Him.

I've spent too much of my recent life looking at everything but God, using people and society as reasons to leave the church, to run from God, to deny the Truth that I already knew. But, when it comes down to it, there is only one truth living within my heart.

I am a Christian, through-and-through. Every other path I've journey down has just served as a juxtaposition to show me that there is only one way for me to go, one way my heart and mind answer to, one way that I know to be true.

It doesn't matter what I want to be true. It doesn't matter what I feel comfortable with being true. It doesn't matter how I close my eyes, shut my ears, and turn my back, my heart always knows and throbs with sorrow when I turn away. God doesn't bend to fit me. I bend to fit God.

I recognize Jesus Christ as God's Son and my Savior, the only way, the only truth. I recognize only one God, the God of the Bible. And I recognize the Bible as the Living Word, divinely inspired by God to guide us.

This is what I believe. This is what shapes who I am. This is the path I choose to walk. I will no longer leave footprints on every other road in order to see if I like it better.

Here's your sign

2009-07-07T12:48:00.000+10:00

I've been waiting for a sign that Guam is the right place for me. And I got it today. From a comic that I read regularly. I wonder what went through the author's mind when he wrote it.

Tunes for June

2009-07-06T19:19:00.000+10:00

Here are the songs I listened to throughout June. (Please, don't judge me for the Jonas Brothers. I love the fact that I can share them with my niece, who is eight. They are good clean fun.) Christian Bautista is a new find from the Philippines. I love his voice.

June

1. Leonard Cohen - I'm Your Man
2. Seals and Crofts - I'm Your Man
3. The Mamas and the Papas - California Dreamin'
4. The Maccabees - First Love
5. The Wonder Girls - Nobody (English Version)
6. The Jonas Brothers - Fly With Me
7. Christian Bautista - Invincible
8. Boys II Men - When the Water Runs Dry
9. Sam Cooke - Long Time Coming
10. Charice Pempengco - Note to God
11. Christian Bautista - Since I Found You
12. The Jonas Brothers - Black Keys
13. Khalil Fong - Red Bean (Faye Wong cover)
14. Boys II Men - In the Still of the Night (Acappella)
15. Eddie - Over (feat. Kayoko) (English Version)
16. Christian Bautista - So It's You
17. Khalil Fong - Orange Moon (Eason Chan cover demo)
18. Michael Jackson - You Are Not Alone

Part 1
Part 2

Also, you should definitely check out Malaysian artist Cheeming Boey's art and blog. I read through all of his comics in two days because they are just that addicting.

Face to Face

2009-07-02T07:22:00.000+10:00

This is the Baha'i poet and martyr, Táhirih's, most famous poem. I read it for the first time last night and completely fell in love with its simple verse.

Face to Face

If ever I should behold you face-to-face, eye-to-eye,
I should be bold to recount my heart's plaint point by point, verse by verse.

Like Saba the east wind I have searched everywhere for your countenance
from house to house, door to door, alley to alley, from quarter to quarter.

Bereft of your visage, my two eyes have wept such bloody tears,
Tigris after Tigris, stream upon stream, spring after spring, brook upon brook.

In my desperate heart, your love is knitted to the fabric of my being,
string by string, thread by thread, warp by warp, and woof by woof.

Táhirih has searched every layer of her heart but found only you there,
sheet by sheet, fold by fold, cover by cover, over and over again.

Saba is a Sufi term alluding to the divine fragrances blowing from the spiritual realm, wandering the world in search of a pure heart where they can make their home.

A poem for a hero; a poem for a friend

2009-07-01T16:15:00.000+10:00

I've finally started writing again. Not just journal writing but poetry, complete with editing and frustration.

Upon the 20th anniversary of Tienanmen Square, I found myself feeling so much intense emotion concerning not only the events of June 4th, but all of the things that have followed, including the lack of education people my age in China have received about what those revolutionaries fought for. And how violently they were struck down.

All of my feelings centered upon Tank Man as my hope for the future and disappointment with the present. I struggled with many different formats for poems about him or to him or from him. And finally, I produced one that feels right to me.

Secondly, when I told my best friend that I was moving to Guam, his first response was, "Maybe I should go back to Thailand," his home. I wrote him a poem, as well.

Tank Man Pt. I

With shopping bags in hand,
you walked out.
White shirt buttoned to the collar,
you were a well-behaved kid
who studied business
and the backs of girls
you'd never speak to.

The only protest you knew
was that of your parents against your independence.
The cries of change
coming from the lips of peers
you'd pass on your way to history class
only brought faint curiosity and annoyance,
like market vendors crying out to passersby.

Returning home from running errands
for your mother, who taught you
to keep your head bowed in respect,
you heard the rumbling of dragons
as a line of tanks marched
towards the square.

Not knowing the politics,
but understanding the crime
more than any sign-bearer,
you found yourself staring up
the barrel of a revolution,
your head too heavy
to leave bowed any longer.

Poom

No one ever told you
that you deserve your love
more than anyone else,

or that you are capable
of all the impossibilities
you've never dared dream of.

If I could leave you one thing,
it'd be the courage to believe
in yourself when no one else does,

just as, no matter how far I am,
I will always have faith
that you can perform miracles.

Kaida Arri

2009-07-01T05:39:00.000+10:00

Today I cried for a good half hour over the fact that I can't bring my dog to Guam. I've had him for almost two years, and he was given to me by a close friend after I "broke up" with the boy I'd been involved with for four years. He's moved with me four times, sleeps in my bed, and licks the tears from my face when I cry. I'm going to miss his second birthday.

I know for certain I won't cry for any one person as much as I cried for him. I don't know what to think of this fact.

Is Guam the right choice?

2009-06-30T05:53:00.001+10:00

It will be very healthy for me to make the move. Not only will I not have to return to Pepperdine, but the University of Guam has a good Asian studies program. I'll be going to a school where 95% of the student body looks like me. I'll be with family, surrounded by Filipinos who can teach me about the culture and the language. I'll finally be around my family. What have I been wanting more than these very things? What has plagued me more than having no identity?

Still, while it seems like answered prayers, I have doubts as to whether it's the right path for me. No doubt God is showing my mother this way. But I am not convinced that I'm not merely riding the wave of her revelation. I've had no signs (or have failed to recognize them) from God about which steps to take. So I've been standing at a crossroads, not moving more than to turn to look at each option before me.

How am I to know what God wants me to do? I pray that He'll open my eyes to His will before I make any major directional mistakes. I don't want to have to backtrack two or three years from now.

I want to be with family. I want to know my grandma. I want to find myself in her eyes and the voices, laughter, and tears of my family, all strangers to me know. I want to find unity in a community of dark faces and almond eyes so that I can recognize it elsewhere in the world.

But is God truly giving this all to me?

I am scared of making another mistake.

Guam!

2009-06-29T12:51:00.000+10:00

So, after much thought, prayer, and stress, I have decided not to return to Pepperdine University. Instead, I am moving to Guam!

Have no idea where that is? Well, Guam is a U.S. territory that is part of Micronesia. It's in the Philippine Sea, just south of Japan. It's 4 miles wide and 20 miles long, the largest island in the Mariana chain.

Why am I moving there? Well, a large portion of my family lives there, including my maternal grandmother, since a great number of my family moved there from the Philippines. My mother grew up there, as well. I've never lived with my Filipino family before, so this is an opportunity for me to learn my culture and language, as well as get to know my family. My mother and younger sister are moving, as well. Plus, I'll be able to attend the University of Guam, so my education won't have to be put on hold anymore. Finally, I'll be a lot closer to Asia, so it'll be easier for me to transition and move there.

Those reasons not good enough for you? How about these?

Anyway, I'm moving at the end of July or beginning of August because university starts mid-August, and we want to get settled in. This is going to be a super rushed move since we just decided on Wednesday. We've already started getting rid of things, sending paperwork, making phone calls, checking out shipping rates. We have so much stuff to get rid of! It's daunting. We have one month!

BUT...in one month I'm going to be living in Barrigada, working on my family's farm(!), dying in the humidity (I'm a desert girl), and getting a lot darker. And I'll be going to school in Mangilao, right on the coast. I'm switching one beach-side school for another. Only this one will be filled with people who look like me instead of rich, white kids.

Help and Prayer for Euna and Laura

2009-06-09T06:14:00.001+10:00

Last night, news broke that Euna Lee and Laura Ling received 12 years of hard labor as punishment for "hostile act" against North Korea. This conviction is obviously baseless, but, nevertheless, it is real and nightmarish. The odds of North Korea using the journalists as bargaining chips with the U.S. are high among the mounting tension between North Korea and the rest of the world.

So what can regular people do to help out those being held abroad??

Join the Facebook group and follow Liberate Laura and Euna Now and LiberateLaura on Twitter to stay up to date and active in discussions on what to do.

Sign the petition. Even if you are skeptical about the affect of an internet petition, you never know if it may help, so sign it anyway.

Send an email to President Obama urging him to act and not just be "concerned."

Write your Senator and Congress member.

May Flowers Mix

2009-06-04T06:34:00.000+10:00

Here are the tunes that rocked May. (Not all of them are .mp3 downloads.) Please don't judge me for liking the Demi Lovato song.

May Mix

1. The Far East Movement - Girls on the Dance Floor [mp3]
2. Epik High (에픽 하이) - One [mp3]
3. Epik High (에픽 하이) - Girl [mp3]
4. Super Junior (슈퍼 주니어) - It's You [mp3]
5. Shirley Bassey and the Away Team - Where Do I Begin [mp3]
6. Matthew West - The Motions [YouTube video]
7. John Barrowman - I Am What I Am [mp3]
8. Copper Wimmin - Bleeding Rivers [mp3]
9. Sonu Nigam - Kal Ho Naa Ho [mp3]
10. Bill Withers - Ain't No Sunshine [mp3]
11. Stevie Wonder - Lately [mp3]
12. Khalil Fong (方大同) - Love Actually [mp3]
13. Demi Lovato - Don't Forget [YouTube video]
14. Shirley Bassey - This Is My Life [mp3]
15. Priscilla Ahn - Lullaby [mp3]
16. Brett Dennen - Ain't No Reason [mp3]
17. David Choi - Love [YouTube video]
18. Joseph Arthur - In the Sun [mp3]
19. The Good Life - A Little Bit More [mp3]
20. David Choi - Hold On [YouTube video]

If you could see my true self...

2009-05-27T17:36:00.000+10:00

...you'd find someone who outwardly takes pride in being an individual but inwardly is desperate to belong to a group.

I'm half-Filipino, half-African American, born and raised in California. I don't know any of the black side of my family, and I am a third generation Filipino who doesn't speak Tagalog. Filipinos who meet me often recognize me as family until they ask, "Do you speak Tagalog?" When I say no, I am almost always written off.

My mother was born in Hawaii, as was her mother, and her father moved from the Philippines when he was a boy. His mother tried to take him back to the Philippines when he was older, but he climbed out of the window of the car on the way to the airport because he didn't want to go back. He joined the U.S. army as a teenager and never did go back to his homeland. My grandmother spoke Tagalog, but, as her family was Pangasinan, she spoke that language primarily, as well as Hawaiian and English. My grandfather spoke Ilokano and Tagalog, but I never heard him speak anything but English (and Japanese from time to time). And they never taught their kids their native languages, so I never learned it either.

I grew up in a small town in Southern California away from all of my extended family. Until high school, my sister and I were two out of about five coloured/Asian kids in our school system. And even in high school, I only met two more Asians, and they were the first girls I met who spoke their language and knew anything about Asian culture. There were no Asian teachers and only one black. Everyone else in our town was white or Mexican. I grew up not knowing what it is to be Asian. All I knew was that I was different, and I existed on the outside.

When I went to college, my entire world opened up. Even though the university I go to is probably the least diverse I could have chosen (private and Christian), a lot of Asians choose to go there because of the amazing business program. Not just Asian-Americans but international students, and I became friends with many people who have taught (and are teaching me) so much. But at the same time my world was becoming bigger, I felt I was drowning in it because I couldn't find my place in it. I still don't know who I am in relation to my ethnicity, and it has been one of the most difficult struggles in my life. Every day I try to find my role in a community that doesn't recognize me half of the time but that I so desperately want to belong to.

I take great pride in being my own person, an individual who stands on her own. But part of developing myself into the future comes from knowing where I come from. My roots. My heritage. What my people have gone through and what they've overcome. Not only Filipinos but also how they connect to Asians and Pacific Islanders as a whole. I feel like a head without a body.

And I've always been alone in this struggle. My sisters don't feel this way, and I've never known someone who wasn't connected to their heritage and felt at a loss because of it.

Until I found Beau Sia via Def Poetry Jam. He is a Chinese-American whose parents are immigrants from the Philippines who grew up in Oklahoma. A lot of his poetry has to do with exactly this theme of looking for yourself as an Asian American but not limiting yourself to only that identity. His work has made me feel less alone, like my identity crisis isn't something I have to endure in solidarity. I finally met him a few weeks ago, and I told him as much. I usually don't care about meeting celebrities (life in Malibu has taken away any sparkle they may have had), but I started crying because he is such an inspiration to me. So, I am including one of his pieces that he I saw him perform and which I heavily identify with.

If you feel like this at all, no matter what your ethnicity, know that you are not alone. Ever.

Chasing Bruce Lee

I'm in my room,
chasing bruce lee,
because I'm on the verge
of another,
asian-american-who-am-i?
identity crisis,

and answers like,
chinese american, son of immigrants
from the philippines, artist in new york
all come easily,
but what does that mean?

these titles,
including those I've neglected to mention,
all draw limited pictures of me,
cause assumptions of who I am,
and create boundaries
on my identity,

and even though these statements of self are true,
they are not the definitive.

'I,' is simply beau sia.
I don't think that I could settle for anything less.
but what does that mean?
in this apartment,
where the slow meditation of fists
tries to understand the chinese
who fears knowing the tinikling,
the oklahoman who craves permission to love hip-hop.

legs dance
urban ballet style,
as feet try to connect bukowski
to lychee,
cable to the immigrant experience,
and I'm not sure if I'm strong enough
to stamp, 'self,'
on everything in my world -
it is my lifelong journey to attempt this.

and I do it alone,
'cuz those who have consciously created categories of the external
of represent the 'I,' cannot carry me.

self cannot be attained by those
who are slaves
to their own environment,
and I seek to transcend that
which would attach me
to any world other than my own.

but I am weak.

this is all very new
and scary to me.

so in these early stages,
when doubt can kill a vital process,
and I have to yell
just to remind myself that this is necessary,

I seek help,
I need guidance,
I want to learn from those who have progressed beyond me
under similar circumstances.

so I am in my room,
which is my world,
which is my this,
and I am chasing bruce lee.

not a god, or an icon, or a person to be imitated.

bruce lee,
that, 'fuck you up,' kind of chink
who walked through worse walls
than we'll ever have to
just go grow into himself.

he was faster than chinese, chinese american, son, father, husband, martial arts master. he was faster than form. to try and corner him was a big mistake.
he out maneuvered most labels before the heart thought to beat. danced when
sloped stature was expected, and broke boundaries with the stillness of his gaze.

he took on any challenge, all expectations died on impace.
fists the obvious manifestations of a life of fighting to acquire the clarity of self, jeet kune do the metaphor of water, of life, of knowing that change is eminent. be oopen and accept life fearlessly, and no pre-conceived notion can hinder you.
and it's not my goal to be him.
it is to learn from his struggle,
his unwavering speech,
that self is possible.

and so I am in my room chasing bruce lee,
until there is no more fear,
no more doubt,
no more second-guessed, half-assed uncertainty.

however my path will take me,
no culture, government, geography, ethnicity, industry, or person will dictate to me this self.

I am chasing bruce lee
until I am me.

- Beau Sia

This is My Life

2009-05-20T17:59:00.000+10:00

My soul resonates with this song. I feel that I have been cheated on not knowing of Shirley Bassey earlier. My mom slacked on this portion of my musical education, it seems. But this song...golden. And her passion is penetrating. Love it.

Still searching

2009-05-08T17:52:00.001+10:00

How does a person find God in a land full of religion? I can't go to a church where a pastor spews poison propaganda from a pulpit, twisting Bible passages to promote group think and discrimination.

But I miss God so much. I was raised to look for him in temples and crosses, so I'm still unsure of how to see him in the sky and feel him at all times. Right now, my only religion is love, and I feel that doing that, living always to express love, is the best way to know my Maker.

I know that unity is the key to spirituality, but I am feeling isolated. My love is faulty and incomplete and hasn't the resolution to set me free.

I need a change. My heart is growing weak, and my light is growing dim. I feel like a shadow or a whisper.

As I've been moving away from Christianity, I've been moving away from God and my oneness with humanity and all creation, and my faith is faltering because the pessimistic outlook of the world has grasped me and started pulling me down into its swamps.

I am going to rectify this, though. I left school to make a change, a beneficial one, which would lighten my heart. But I haven't really done anything but become a spiritual sloth. My journey has been stalled for far too long, and it is time for me to step back on my path towards enlightenment.

I am currently looking into the Bahá'í faith, and I am liking what I am finding. For the most part. It's very socially conscious, nonpolitical, and globally-minded. The type of peace it evokes is what I've been longing for. A religion truly centered around love and acceptance. And it's open to the following of additional life philosophies (like how I love the Buddhist Middle Way). I have a meeting with a Bahá'í woman coming up so that I can hear about someone's personal faith and religious practices. And find answers to all the doubts my habitually Christian mind is bringing up.

Honestly, my interest in the religion was peaked because Khalil Fong is a Bahá'í, and I had never heard of this faith. But once I learned about its core beliefs and saw how they pervaded his lyrics, interviews, and blog entries, I saw that his religion is a lifestyle of acceptance, love, and continuous optimism. And as I started reading what other followers had written, I saw that it was a continuous thread among them.

And that's what I want. Beliefs that flow through my very existence. Sincerity that I haven't found in the Christian church. Most there confront alternative views with dismissal, preaching, or condemnation. Judgment. But the Bahá'í faith is all about acceptance. Not blind subscription but the realization that all people are entitled to their own beliefs and practices. To judge someone's lifestyle as less than your own is a great sin.

I try not to turn a spiteful eye on my brother, but I have become so much cattier than ever before, and I hate it. I want to unlock the truth of unity through love within myself and colour this black and white world with the palette of my love. A kind word for every person and eternally open arms.

How far away is the person I am from the woman I want to be? Is it proportional to how far I've strayed from God?

[mp3] Joseph Arthur - In the Sun

David Choi - Hold On

(Seriously, this song by David Choi is amazing. Check it out, and buy his CD. He is the shiz.)

April Mix

2009-05-08T09:19:00.000+10:00

Here are the songs that got me through April. I'm not putting download links up for all of them because a few of them I know I'll have copyright issues with. And when it comes to Chester See and David Choi, I would really rather you buy David's CD since he's an independent artist (but I put his cover song up for download since he offers it online) and check out Chester's YouTube channel and MySpace page.

1. Jang Geun Suk - Black Engine
2. HowL & J - Perhaps Love
3. BoA - Did Ya
4. Jang Geun Suk - Touch Holic
5. Chester See - Invisible
6. Chester See - It's Time to Go
7. Chester See - Tonight I Know
8. Rainie Yang - Take Me Away
9. David Choi - Won't Even Start (link to his new mv by Wong Fu Productions)
10. JJ Lin - Endless Road
11. JJ Lin - Down
12. David Choi - Thinking of You (Katy Perry cover)
13. David Choi - Love (link to YouTube video)
14. Natasha Bedingfield - Soulmate (link to music video)
15. Jolin Tsai - Flower Butterfly
16. Jolin Tsai - Real Man
17. Joni Mitchell - Both Sides Now

I'm feeling this

2009-05-07T14:24:00.000+10:00

Epik High is my new musical obsession.

"This is why no war."

2009-05-07T08:15:00.000+10:00

Won't Even Start

2009-05-06T09:57:00.001+10:00

I am a huge advocate of independent artists and musicians. David Choi and Wong Fu Productions are two of my favorites, and they have become pretty well known via YouTube. The two teamed up to produce David's new music video for the first single, "Won't Even Start," off of his new album, Only You. Check it out, and if you dig, be sure to check out the rest of David's music and Wong Fu's amazing films.

Tomorrow May Never Come

2009-05-02T16:45:00.002+10:00

"Kal Ho Naa Ho"

Definitely Netflix this movie.

From the clay

2009-04-16T10:17:00.000+10:00

A long time ago, a pastor compared our journeys through life as the process of refining gold. In order to make it beautiful and pure, it must be continuously pounded out. At the time, I liked the metaphor because I liked being compared to gold. No matter how impure, its value at the beginning is undeniable. But I don't like it as much anymore. Gold isn't useful, and the more beautiful it becomes, the crazier (in a bad way) people get over it.

Instead, I like to think that we are like pottery. We are nothing but mud in the beginning, but then we begin to dream of what we could be made into. And life steps on us, pounds us, builds us up to break us down again, drowns us and puts us through drought, and makes us endure thousand degree heat. But when we come out, though we may still look weak, we won't break when dropped. And we are useful! To everyone, rich and poor. Though we may not be treasured like gold, we are necessary.

I heard that metaphor from a Korean drama (surprise), and one of the main characters said she imagined plates in a kiln to be happy rather than pained. Because, if they survive the fires, they can emerge to be loved.

I am feeling the heat of life right now, but I will try to have such beautiful and faithful outlook on this time of hardship. Because...what else can you do?

2009-04-16T10:11:00.000+10:00

It's sad, isn't it? That something so precious and invaluable, something people would give up everything for, could be seen as common and cheap enough to toss aside. Some people just don't see the value in love. And they don't even have to be bad people. They just have to not see.

You know what I'm talking about. All of us have had our love treated as a nuisance or a burden rather than a gift. So, what about me? How many times have I treated someone's feelings towards me as trivial when really they were holding out their entire existence to me? I cannot be innocent. And, really, this realization hurts more than being on the other side.

I know I have to be more mindful. Not only of the people I give myself over to, but mostly of those who have let me into their secret depths without me even realizing. I need to treasure those that love me the way I wish I was by the ones I've loved most. I can't take the people in my life for granted any longer.

March Mix

2009-04-15T14:22:00.000+10:00

Mmmm...I don't feel like posting the track listing just now. Let's just be surprised, shall we?

March Mix.rar

2009-04-13T11:12:00.001+10:00

I wish the world was flat like the old days.
Then I could travel just by folding a map.
No more airplanes or speed trains or freeways.
There'd be no distance that could hold us back.

I thought of this metaphor months and months ago. And then it was brought to my attention that Death Cab did it first. And better.

Boo.

[Insert allusion to Copeland song]

2009-03-30T17:06:00.000+10:00

Choose the one who loves you most, or choose the one who you love most? Which one of these sayings is correct?

To decide to stand aside the one you love can be painful. There are often more tears and feelings of heartbreak than there is laughter and feeling loved. Those moments of happiness may be radiant, but can they balance out the emptiness and loneliness that one-sided (or unbalanced) love can bring? To be constantly reaching for a hand that always evades your grasp is a very tiring thing. The heart quickly grows old.

But to be with someone you have mediocre feelings for... They will dote upon you, always be there for you, never make you feel insecure, and make you smile more often than cry. But every feeling will be half-hearted. When you laugh, your heart will remain silent, unshaken. And though you will have a sense of security, the same emptiness and the same loneliness will find you. And your heart will still grow old because it's not being used.

Can someone learn to love you? Can you open your heart?

Humans are the most adaptable creatures. We can make due in most any situation. But this isn't happiness. And making due isn't flourishing, isn't living.

What would I choose?

I have always chosen to love from a distance, to keep running toward the ungraspable horizon. But now... The romantic in me says this is the only way to live. Be true to your love and chase it until is is returned or dies. But, as I mature, I see this is foolish. Continuously hurting yourself isn't loving yourself, the person you should love first. Yet, I still can't condone settling for someone you don't love.

Instead, be true to yourself. Have self-respect, and don't continually throw yourself in front of the rifle brigade. But don't pretend to feel what you do not. Lying to yourself is one thing, but to let someone else live in a lie is truly an evil sin. If you must nurse an unrequited love, do it in private, quietly, with dignity. And do it alone.

Everyone must be strong enough to be alone with their feelings.

At least you ever got to love at all.

Why do all my dreams extend just around the river bend?

2009-03-25T15:25:00.000+10:00

I feel that the majority of my life has been spent looking at the horizon line, wondering what is just beyond it.

Just minutes after I was born, the doctor set me down on an observation table. I, who was not supposed to be able to move, flipped over (and almost fell off the table) and had to be caught.

My mother used to have to put a pillow on either side of me when she'd lay me on her bed as a baby. Otherwise, I'd try to roll off.

As a toddler, I tried to escape the confines of my crib. However, my short legs were inefficient, and I fell out and onto my head.

As an adult, I grow restless shortly after any move. And a majority of my time is spend imagining all of the destinations I'd run to had I the resources and freedom from responsibility.

But any time I reach a stop, it's not long before I long to be on the road again.

When most people travel, they make a voyage but feel a silent relief when they return to start. They have a base, a hub. A home. And no matter where they may be, their internal compass points to their north.

I only have a spinning arrow. I have no home. I am still searching for my center. Until then, I am a cartographer, mapping out the world in relation to a place I have yet to find.

I suspect, however, that my version of home will be found in flesh and breath rather than earth and shadows. And once we find each other, any place we wander will feel at home, opening the world to our leisure.

"Everything"

I want to know what life is for.
I don't want much; I just want more.
Ask what I want, and I will sing,
"I want everything. Everything."

I'd cure the cold and the traffic jam.
If there were floods, I'd give a dam.
I'd never sleep; I'd only sing,
"Let me do everything. Everything."

I'd like to plan a city and play the cello.
Play at Monte Carlo and play Othello.
Move into the White House, paint in yellow.
Speak Portuguese and Dutch,
and if it's not too much,
I'd like to have the perfect twin.
One who'd go out as I came in.
I've got to grab the big brass ring,
so I'll have everything. Everything.

I'm like a child who's set free at the fun fair.
Every ride invites me, and it's unfair
saying that I only get this one share.
Doesn't seem just; I could live as I must
if they'd give me the time to turn the tide.
Give me the truth if once I lied.
Give me the man who's gonna bring
more of everything. Everything.

Then I'll have everything. Everything.
- Barbra Streisand

That's life

2009-03-20T18:25:00.000+10:00

Lately, I have spent a lot of my time watching Asian dramas. Japanese, Korean, Chinese, Taiwanese...they have become an addictive pastime, and when I am in the midst of a story, I am borderline obsessive.

A lot of romantic dramas follow the same plotline:
- Boy A and Boy B are brothers (possibly enemies) or best friends
- Girl 1 (who is older, mature, and consider beautiful) has been friends with both of them for a long time
- Boy A loves Girl 1, but she has always loved Boy B
- Girl 2 (who is younger, innocent, and cute rather than a beauty) comes into the picture at random
- Boy A can't stand Girl 2 at first and lives to torment her, but they are constantly thrown together
- Boy B falls in love with Girl 2
- Girl 2 falls in love with Boy A and is continuously hurt by his choosing Girl 1 over her
- Girl 1 gets pissed at Girl 2 and uses Boy A to make Boy B jealous, confusing Boy A
- After a long time, Boy A realizes that Girl 2 is the one who is caring and truly understands him, falling in love with her
- Boy A and Boy B duel over Girl 2
- Girl 1 gets her heart broken by Boy B
- Boy B gets his heart broken by Girl 2
- Boy A and Girl 2 end up happily together (and if it's a super happy ending, Boy B and girl 1 end up together, as well)

Although the storyline is simple and predictable, I get a very intense array of emotions while watching it unfold. I always know that everything will work out in the end, but my heart sinks with every tear on Girl 2's face and races with every kiss she shares with Boy A. Even though I know Girl 1 wil get what she deserves, I get so frustrated with her that I want to personally backhand the "bitch" right off her face. And sometimes I root for Boy 2 because, though I know he won't succeed, I can't help admiring his futile attempts to woo and sincere love for Girl 2.

Life, I think, is a lot like this. Though I trust that everything will always right itself in the end, I can't help feeling the frustrations of obstacles and the hopes of futile actions. I'll probably get Boy 1 and 2 mixed up or not even know who is playing those roles. And I will play my part as both jealous Girl 1 and overlooked Girl 2, be brokenhearted as both, loved as both. Even though I know that I will end up with Boy 1, I go through all the drama that is life to find my happiness, fulfill my dream, and fight for my love.

Some songs from a few of my favorite dramas:
Rainie Yang - My Intuition 曖昧 (Devil Beside You)
Kim Ah Joong - Star 별 (200 Pounds Beauty)
As One - White Love Story (1st Shop of Coffee Prince)
Byul - I Think I (Full House)

I am a slave to my wandering ways

2009-03-19T09:10:00.000+10:00

In life, I believe there is a balance to all things. Karma equally divides our life into good and bad. When something awful befalls us, something proportionally as wonderful will find us.

I would be willing to endure great pain in order to find true happiness. My life has not had peaks and valleys but has remained a plain. I do not know suffering. But in return, I am a stranger to pure joy. Each one is needed in order to fully appreciate the other. Fully experience it.

Even when evil comes my way, I treat it as nothing, merely a speed bump to be slowed for or a puddle to step over. Therefore, blessings are the same. Though I am thankful for every gift, none has been able to give me the wings needed to lift me from valley to hilltop. Because I won't let them. I am self-sufficient.

I am always hoping for more and preparing for less, never feeling satisfied or safe. Never letting myself rest in the peace or the pain of a moment. All experiences are merely delays until the next one comes.

So, I do not know what it is to have nothing. But until I do, neither will I know what it is to have everything.

I am not sure what it is my heart is so fervently foraying to find, but I wonder if it will be able to rest long enough to recognize this lost piece when it finally arrives.

"Oh, the wayward wind is a restless wind. A restless wind that yearns to wander."

Preach it

2009-03-16T07:29:00.000+10:00

Songbird

2009-03-10T23:50:00.000+10:00

Songbird, sings from the heart.
Each word can tear you apart.
I sing, you sing along.
You find your life in my song.
When you need the strength to carry on,
you've got me to turn to.

With the songs that I sing
and the magic they bring,
they've helped you be strong now.
The song sets you free,
but who sings to me?
I'm all alone now.

Who sings for songbird?

Sometimes, when I'm all alone,
I sing my saddest song.
Lonely, and no one can see.
This time the song is for me.
I can touch your secret place inside,
and still you don't know me.

With the songs that I sing
and the magic they bring,
you've learned to be strong now.
My song sets you free,
but who sings for me?

Where is my songbird?
Where is my songbird
who sings his songs for me?

- Streisand

Back to the Roots

2009-02-27T07:35:00.001+10:00

I recently learned that the Japanese word for "beloved" meant "sorrowful" in ancient times.

So my question is: is the root of love sadness?

That which we choose to love ultimately hurts us because we cannot keep it. Trying to hold onto something so cosmic is like trying to rope the moon. Every love has its time line and ultimately ends.

Surely that is not the point, though. When judging a man, we don't look at how he died; all emphasis is placed on the time between creation and destruction. Why should love be any different?

No, I think that love is, instead, the root of sorrow. And joy, beauty, unity, creation, destruction. Of life. Nothing can be created from hatred for it is married to death. Love must therefore be the breath in all things.

It is the chord that resonates within us all. Aum. God's voice.

There are times when devotion becomes the boulder Sisyphus must forever roll up the mountain. I start to think that caring for someone automatically gives the resources to save them, complete them. As though I am the oracle for all life's questions. And when I feel the cold brick of the limits of my humanity, I scream and pound against the wall, thinking I could ever win an argument with an inanimate object.

No, it is not the violence of my clenched hand nor the caress of a smart tongue that can bring those types of structures down. It is only the pacifist act of loving through every siege that produces enough force of sound to make any difference.

When all feels hopeless, lost, and you have nothing to offer someone in pain...love. It is all that is truly needed in moments of vast darkness. And though your remorse may sit heavily in your chest, being there for another person when there is nothing you feel you can do is a delicious burden.

"The struggle itself towards the heights is enough to fill a man's heart. One must imagine Sisyphus happy." (Camus)

[mp3] Khalil Fong 方大同 - Love Actually 拖男帶女
[mp3] Khalil Fong 方大同 - Love Is There 愛在

Love Love Love

2009-02-19T17:54:00.001+10:00

This is one of the most beautifully written songs I have heard in a very very long time. It's amazing how someone who writes in a completely different language from my native one can inspire me so deeply to write. And I love the difference between Asian and English imagery. You can't see it as well as this song, but so much of Asian imagery goes back to nature and spirituality. Beautiful.

Translation from Mandarin (credit: Hobielover):

Where is the record of the first peach flower thief
Who was there to sell the first purple jade hairpin?
There I saw an strange situation grow stranger.
Having seen foreign seas in overseas movies,
I want to go see those seas.
Having sung about other people’s love, I want to find love.
You come to cry and I come to laugh,
All because of love, love, love.
The day comes and goes without me finding love.
The flowers don’t bloom, the trees don’t sway, but it’s alright.
I can wait for love,
But realizing loneliness is admitting defeat.
I love because I exist.
Will one go out of one’s way to find that happiness?
Will the right person stand up for me to see?
How can I help but accompany you in this place?
I read somewhere that others wait.
I become used to waiting.
Having sung about other people’s love, I want to find love.
You cry out and I become silent,
All because of love, love, love.
The day comes and goes without me finding love.
The flowers don’t bloom, the trees don’t sway, but it’s alright.
I can wait for love,
But realizing loneliness is admitting defeat.
I love because I exist.
Scattering dust does not fill the sky and the earth.
Buying on the street doesn’t fill my pockets.
You become melancholy and I become foolish because of love.
Will the completion of an era have a public notice?
He who hasn’t loved hasn’t existed.
It isn’t clear what is good and what is evil,
All because of love, love, love.
The day goes by without me finding love.
The flowers don’t bloom, the trees don’t sway, but it’s alright.
I can wait for love,
But realizing loneliness is admitting defeat.
I love because I exist.

[mp3] Khalil Fong 方大同 - Love Love Love 愛愛愛

I Pledge Allegiance To...

2009-02-17T12:24:00.001+10:00

(Let me just preface this by saying that I did vote for President Obama. I do not identify with any political party. I feel the same way about identifying with one as I do about religion, it closes doors in the mind.)

This video has been circulating the web for the past few days with mixed commentary. While many people agree with the message, others find it disturbing and are using it to attack our new President.

Perhaps I am naive or simply missing the point of the video, but I sincerely believe that people are holding on to that last statement of being a "servant to our President." I don't think this is the point, though. They cut off the "and to all mankind" part of it. The rest of the video is simply a promise to better our world. Not just America, but the world. The whole world.

I definitely see why people hear that last statement and fear it. There is a problem when the citizens of a country (especially one that is a "democracy") seek to serve the government/president instead of understanding that he/she was elected to serve them.

But, personally, I see President Obama as the figurehead of the conscious movement toward a more global, caring, socially aware society. I do not seek to serve him. I merely see him as an inspiration, a voice that gives hope to my belief that I can personally do something that will benefit others. Not only those around me, but those all over the world that I am connected to by the thread of humanity.

I do not pledge allegiance to President Obama, to serve him. I pledge to hold him accountable and responsible. And I pledge to do my part in serving all people.

I don't know if including this song will negate my post, but I think it's a fun and innocent diddy.

[mp3] Jonah Matranga - I Believe Barack Obama

Tiny Ghosts

2009-02-17T06:43:00.000+10:00

You have to keep it all in perspective.

God's Name

2009-02-16T14:20:00.003+10:00

When I pray, I often default to calling God "Father" because that's how I've been taught to look at him. But it is wanting.

The image of a paternal figure doesn't offer any security or feelings of being loved. Rather, I see a fumbling man who is simultaneously fleeing and coming at all times. Harsh. And disappointing.

Even the best of parents misunderstand, misjudge, and mistreat their children at some point. Putting a deity in the same category flatters them and insults him.

He is my Creator. The very world around me and in me. I came not from Adam's rib but from God's.

What word can adequately describe such intimacy?

I have found that the spiritual quest is the hardest and, at time, the least instantly gratifying. Yet, it is also the most important and necessary.

100種表情

2009-02-16T05:17:00.000+10:00

Much of life, I feel, is a hologram. It changes with your movements, and you can never tell what its true form is.

I am like this to myself, as well. Not because I don't know myself but because many parts of me are pulling in opposite directions simultaneously. I often go with the current, but it changes with the positioning of the moon or the strength of the wind. Or who/what is playing these roles. And it's not that I am fickle. I am simply fluid and open like poetry. Even a sonnet with its form has freedom.

And I prefer to be this way, which appears ungrounded to any eye which does not belong to one whose art is life. Math may be reliable, but only poetry can reveal new sentiments and mysteries upon each reading. I'd rather be undefinable than boring. Or ordinary.

The impermanence of life has also courted me, romanced me. I find such inescapable sadness beautiful. Because of this, the few things that are seemingly long lasting carry much weight with me. No...are starting to.

I am beginning to further unfold Love's petals to be overwhelmed with thankfulness for the very ability to even feel such a connection with another. Not strictly romantically but platonically especially. Friendship is a treasure I have never fully appreciated. Even if the connection lasts only a moment.

Yet, I hate the way those who are "close" to me express understanding when I know they are wholly incapable of comprehending me. Everyone comes to the canvas with a picture already set in their mind. No matter how vibrant the colours or precise the lines, it is always a portrait and never me they capture. Yet, they look to it as a recipe book to apply to every action or word of relationship I inhabit.

It is even more true now that I've been parted from their company for such an extended period of time. Though every notion they had of me before my escape needs to be refined or completely thrown away, they all still try to press me into the same mold. I am not the product of a cookie-cutter, but it seems people are only comfortable with right angles.

I am in such a state of transition, of flux, that I can feel my old life being pushed through a sieve. I fear my attachment to many people is proving too small to survive such filtering.

I am beginning to grow tired of the madness that is my heart. I don't wish to smother its passions. I just want for it to stop flying from one flower to the next. I enjoy going crazy over over a new object, but it would be nice if I didn't have to go through it every few months.

I feel that there are two of me. There is the poet who wants to live through her senses, experiencing everything, running wild forever, never settling down. She finds the world alluring, intoxicating, and dreams of adventure and finds sadness romantic. Anything ordinary is such a waste to her. People are her fuel, her passion, her calling. And she'll sacrifice her very life for love.

Then there is the woman who is content with pictures and the view through a window. She wants to go straight through school, marry, have children, have a home. She thinks fondly of the adventures the other plans but shakes her head with her eyes downcast. "Not for me." People overwhelm her, and her favorite company she carries in hardcover.

I feel that, were I to let the latter rule, it would purely be out of fear. You can have both if you live wildly first and build a nest second. But your wings can never grow back once you've cut them off. I would regret it were I to give my youth to expectation, order, and propriety. Not right away, for I am very good at lying to myself about being happy. But eventually. And I would resent the life I led as a set of shackles.

I mustn't be afraid to go against tradition. I am not an ordinary woman, so I must allow my life to follow suit.

[mp3] BoA - 永遠 (Eien)
[mp3] Khalil Fong 方大同 - Singalongsong
[mp3] Khalil Fong 方大同 - Enough 夠不夠

Today

2009-02-05T07:41:00.000+10:00

If the tiger shall protect her young, then tell me how did you slip by? All my instincts have failed me for once. I must have somehow slept the whole night.

Pienso En Ti Mix

2009-02-05T03:22:00.003+10:00

As the final gift in my V-Day package, I put together a mix. Since it's going to the same person as the "...But a Whisper" mix went to, it's kind of like part two. "Pienso En Ti" means "I think of you." So, while the last one was trying to showing that I can only express a fraction of my love, this one says, "When I think of love, I think of you."

Pienso En Ti.rar

1. Kendall Payne – I Will Show You Love

2. Ben Folds – Such Great Heights

3. I’m From Barcelona – Treehouse

4. Yeah Yeah Yeahs – Maps

5. Death Cab for Cutie – Transatlanticism

6. Rufus Wainwright – Origin of Love

7. Iron and Wine – Love and Some Verses

8. Devendra Banhart – A Ribbon

9. Elton John – Your Song

10. Sia – I Go To Sleep

11. PJ Harvey – The Desperate Kingdom of Love

12. Andrew Bird – Armchairs

13. Shakira – Pienso En Ti

14. Passenger – Umbrella

15. Ken Oak Band – Hey Andrew

So you want to be a writer?

2009-02-04T16:17:00.000+10:00

if it doesn't come bursting out of you
in spite of everything,
don't do it.
unless it comes unasked out of your
heart and your mind and your mouth
and your gut,
don't do it.
if you have to sit for hours
staring at your computer screen
or hunched over your
typewriter
searching for words,
don't do it.
if you're doing it for money or
fame,
don't do it.
if you're doing it because you want
women in your bed,
don't do it.
if you have to sit there and
rewrite it again and again,
don't do it.
if it's hard work just thinking about doing it,
don't do it.
if you're trying to write like somebody
else,
forget about it.

if you have to wait for it to roar out of
you,
then wait patiently.
if it never does roar out of you,
do something else.

if you first have to read it to your wife
or your girlfriend or your boyfriend
or your parents or to anybody at all,
you're not ready.

don't be like so many writers,
don't be like so many thousands of
people who call themselves writers,
don't be dull and boring and
pretentious, don't be consumed with self-
love.
the libraries of the world have
yawned themselves to
sleep
over your kind.
don't add to that.
don't do it.
unless it comes out of
your soul like a rocket,
unless being still would
drive you to madness or
suicide or murder,
don't do it.
unless the sun inside you is
burning your gut,
don't do it.

when it is truly time,
and if you have been chosen,
it will do it by
itself and it will keep on doing it
until you die or it dies in you.

there is no other way.

and there never was.

Charles Bukowski

2nd Annual Valentine's Day Craft

2009-02-03T14:25:00.000+10:00

Even though I don't like Valentine's Day, I keep getting sucked into doing something to celebrate it. Personally, I think it's just a way to keep the card, candy, and flower companies in business between bigger holidays. Why do we need to be given a day to celebrate love? Whatever.

But I am a member of a site called Hit Record, which is a project of actor Joseph Gordon-Levitt. It's filled with artists, and we often to collaborative projects. So, last year for V-Day, we were all supposed to make another member a card and send it off. I made a puzzle that, when put together, had Rilke's "Love Song" on it. It took hours to complete, but the person who got it really liked it. She even framed it and hung it on her wall.

This year I made an album/journal for a dear friend of mine in D.C. I originally set out to make him a card, but then I found a really cool project that utilized my scrapbook skills. So, using two brown lunch bags, I made this:

The quote to the left is "Art washes away from the soul the dust of every day life," by Picasso.

It's cool because there are two little pockets to stick stuff in, so I wrote a note and made a CD. And then there are two fold out flaps, as well. It took about six hours to completely finish, but I am really proud of the way it turned out and think the time spent was definitely worth it.

I also made sandwich-cookie lollipops. Yum!

Love Song

How can I keep my soul in me so that it doesn't touch your soul?
How can I raise it high enough, past you, to other things?
I would like to shelter it among remote, lost objects,
in some dark and silent place that doesn't resonate
when your depths resound.
Yet everything that touches us, you and me,
takes us together like a violin's bow,
which draws one voice out of two separate strings.
Upon what instrument are we two spanned?
And what musician holds us in his hand?
Oh, sweetest song.
- Rilke

[mp3] Utada Hikaru - First Love

"We're two bodies with just one heart...

2009-01-27T04:54:00.000+10:00

...one body that one day fell apart."

I had a very vivid dream a week or so ago, right when I thought I had lost you. It was about you, or the you that I thought was real with blonde hair and green eyes. I was at a funeral, your funeral. And I was more emotionally distraught than I've ever been in real life. I couldn't stand or talk. I just cried and held myself as though I were afraid I would physically fall apart.

The casket was lowered, and I hesitantly made my way forward to drop a rose into your grave. I kneel and look down, but the coffin is empty. It wasn't open, but I just knew that it didn't contain you. Confused and terrified, I turned around to find someone to answer for this, and there you were. Alive and standing over me.

Kneeling down in front of me, you put your hands on my shoulders and say, "I'm not dead, so you don't need to be sad." And you picked me up, held my hand, and we walked off together.

When I awoke, I was crying.

Last night I had another dream about you, only this time it was you as you actually are with black hair and caramel skin. Nothing as dramatic as the first at all. We were just together in your city. And there wasn't any apprehension due to mistrust. It was as though together was a natural state for us.

I find great comfort in the second dream because I can see that my subconscious has accepted the real you, and I don't see any real differences between the blonde artist and the brown-eyed activist.

[mp3] Nada Surf - Always Love
[mp3] Noah & the Whale - 2 Bodies 1 Heart
[mp3] Justin Bond & the Hungry March Band - In the End

The Invitation

2009-01-24T13:51:00.001+10:00

Love, Save the Empty

2009-01-22T09:51:00.000+10:00

It's been pretty overcast here lately, sucking away any motivation I have to be productive. On cloudy, chilly, foggy days, I like to fold myself into a throw and read entire books while Kaida sleeps on my legs. Lazy lazy.

Lately I've been wondering if people are innately good or evil. I was raised to believe in original sin. And most of my life experience has taught me that people will abuse you if you give them the opportunity. Yet, idealistic me still truly believes that everyone is filled with love if you dig deeply enough. Am I right or wrong?

At what point should I give up on trying to find love in someone who doesn't truly love me in return? This is one of my key issues. I don't know when to let go because I am so filled with hope for the best in people.

I think that it's a lot easier for people to be cynical than romantic. People seem to focus on the negative more than the positive and find being hopeless safer than being hopeful. But, even when I want to see only the bad, I can't help but find some nugget of beauty nestled away in there. I am grateful for being this way, but others find it too fantastical and are constantly trying to pull me out of the sky and plant me in realism. I agree that some sort of balance needs to be obtained, but I don't want to give up the romance of life. God is in everyone.

Living this way and acting on this belief often screws me over. And in those moments, I want to hate everyone and live in the dark and never trust. But I always return to start. I still believe that love can save the empty.

Sad boy, you stare up at the sky when no one's looking back at you. You wear your every last disguise. You're flying, then you fall through. Again, the false attention. Again, you're breaking inside. Love, save the empty.

[mp3] Jenny Owen Youngs - Fuck Was I (perhaps an anthem for me)
[mp3] Moby - The Great Escape
[mp3] Erin McCarley - Pitter-Pat
[mp3] Erin McCarley - Love, Save the Empty

Pan

2009-01-20T17:36:00.001+10:00

Know that I love you. Not because I have to or can't control it or feel like I should.

Love is a choice.

I choose you.

[mp3] Neko Case - Buckets of Rain

Love Ridden mix

2009-01-17T11:59:00.000+10:00

This is my latest mix. It chronicles the life of a love, from its conception, to the climax, to the come down, to the withdrawls. And finally, peace. I really just wanted to make a mix that I could stick my favorite Fiona Apple song in. I'm obsessed with that song.

As far as how my life correlates to the track listing, I've settled in to "Your Cloud" quite nicely, and I'm getting ready to transition over to "Love Ridden." I can't wait to start the whole process over again.

Love Ridden.rar

1. India.Arie - Ready for Love.mp3
2. Citizen Cope - Sideways.mp3
3. Colbie Callat - Magic.mp3
4. Brandi Carlisle - The Story.mp3
5. The Postal Service - Such Great Heights.mp3
6. Eisley - Just Like We Do.mp3
7. Death Cab for Cutie - I Will Follow You Into the Dark.mp3
8. Beyonce - Halo.mp3
9. Leona Lewis - The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face.mp3
10. Lauryn Hill - Ex-Factor.mp3
11. John Mayer - Slow Dancing In A Burning Room.mp3
12. Taylor Swift - You're Not Sorry.mp3
13. Tori Amos - Your Cloud.mp3
14. Fiona Apple - Love Ridden.mp3
15. Alanis Morissette - That Particular Time.mp3
16. Leona Lewis - Better In Time.mp3
17. Alicia Keys (ft. John Mayer) - Lesson Learned.mp3
18. Rufus Wainwright - Not Ready For Love.mp3

Angel On My Shoulder mix

2009-01-17T10:43:00.000+10:00

I was really into dance music a few months ago, and I made this mix to groove to while I was walking around C-bad. In general, I don't like Hilary Duff's music because, well, she just can't sing. But I am just really into "Happy" for some reason. Please forgive me. But, I made up for it with one of the best Bjork songs ever, "Hyper-Ballad."

Angel On My Shoulder.rar

1. Head Automatica - Beating Hearts Baby.mp3
2. S.O.S. - Take Your Time (Do It Right).mp3
3. Paul Oakenfold (ft. Brittany Murphy) - Faster Kill Pussycat.mp3
4. Ladytron - Seventeen.mp3
5. Junior Boys - First Time.mp3
6. Bjork - Hyper-Ballad.mp3
7. Kaskade - Your Love Is Black.mp3
8. Portishead - It Could Be Sweet.mp3
9. ATB - Justify.mp3
10. Telepopmusik - Don't Look Back.mp3
11. Hilary Duff - Happy.mp3
12. Peaches - Operate.mp3
13. Telepopmusik - Stop Running Away.mp3
14. Bjork - Army of Me.mp3
15. Goldfrapp - Human.mp3

Kiss Where It Hurts Mix

2009-01-17T10:08:00.000+10:00

I made this mix awhile back for a friend of mine, and now I'm posting it here. There are a few songs that I've used in more than one of my mixes. This isn't for lack of a music library. I just really like those songs and think that their lyrics are effective in what I'm trying to convey.

If you like the Tracks Like Trains song "Eskimo," I suggest that you check out their MySpace. I think they're cool because they're pretty eclectic and are always expanding their sound and experimenting with new instruments. I mean, they have a freakin' harpist. How sweet is that? They even get a little uke action in from time to time. And they're unsigned, struggling college kids so if you like what you hear, you should head on over to the iTunes Store and buy their Bear Feet EP. It's sexy.

Also, David Bazan's cover of Leonard Cohen's "Hallelujah" is my favorite. Amazingly, I like it even better than Rufus Wainwright. And that's saying a lot since Wainwright is a demi-god in my world.

Kiss Where It Hurts.rar
1. Ben Folds - There's Always Someone Cooler Than You.mp3
2. Ok Go - Oh Lately It's So Quiet.mp3
3. Copeland - You Have My Attention.mp3
4. Bright Eyes - Bowl of Oranges.mp3
5. Band of Horses - No One's Gonna Love You.mp3
6. Ben Kweller - On My Way.mp3
7. The Decemberists - We Both Go Down Together.mp3
8. Eisley - Combinations.mp3
9. David Bazan -Hallelujah.mp3
10. Sufjan Stevens - To Be Alone With You.mp3
11. The Watson Twins - Just Like Heaven.mp3
12. Tracks Like Trains - Eskimo.mp3
13. Jens Lekman - Kanske Ar Jag Kar I Dig.mp3
14. Regina Spekter - Better.mp3
15. PJ Harvey - Seagulls.mp3

"Life is a process of becoming,...

2009-01-13T13:17:00.000+10:00

...a combination of states we have to go through. Where people fail is that they wish to elect a state and remain in it. This is a kind of death."
Anais Nin

Um...my love affair with Noah and the Whale is over. Don't worry; we're still friends, but we've decided to see other people. Open relationship.

I'm out of my mood, and now I am celebrating with super happy music. And I can't think of anything more upbeat than The Rocket Summer.

The Rocket Summer - Never Knew

I was walking along the beach tonight, just listening to music and trying to concentrate more on the feeling of sinking sand than on any thoughts that came into play. Walking meditation is the best kind for me, late at night, with some soft music in the background.

I saw this young father playing with his daughter, about five or so. They were running around the beach in the dark, tackling each other. I could hear all the little kid squeals over my music and the crash of the waves on the shoreline. And below that was a deeper, older laugh. I'm totally a sucker; I know. But it was beautiful. There is nothing more attractive to me than a man who loves children (not in a creepy way).

I talked to my good friend from high school, Lily, today. I hardly ever get to see her or talk to her, but every time I do, I'm reminded that, every once in a while, a friendship takes root and actually carries some meaning. Lately I've been needing to be reassured of that because most of my interactions with people have proved to be fake and shallow. It's been a difficult lesson to learn, but it makes me appreciate those who are there for me much more in contrast.

It's interesting. Since I've left I've truly been able to see all of my relationships play out. And it's been surprising. People who I thought would be there for me have fallen away, ceased caring. Out of sight, out of mind for them, you know. Yet, those who I thought would let go before I had even driven away are the ones who keep calling and writing. Sending me Christmas cards or "thinking of you" cards. And I've realized that there is a difference between clicking with people and actually mattering to them. And not every person deserves the same amount of devotion. And definitely that not everyone is worth making sacrifices for.

I feel guilty for having given the most of myself to the wrong people. In some ways, I am very easily manipulated, and the ones who I (somewhat) neglected were those that would never use me in that way. However, now that I've made these realizations, I have started to rectify that situation. And my friendships have really solidified over the past months.

I still have my insecurities, though. I am so quick to read into people's (mostly men's) actions and think that their love for me or devotion to me is waning. That I'm annoying them. I'm so quick to see them running away. And at that first pause, at my first doubts, I start to retreat, to retract any feelings I applied to them. I trust them less. This way, I never really attach because it's not going to last. I'm always just waiting for the people in my life to leave.

I found a song I wrote when I was sixteen, just after I met Billy. The lines that struck me the most were, "I was young when my father left. I was just a girl. And every man who enters my life takes the path he forged. Why should someone love me if no one has before?" Um...wow. I definitely spotlighted one of my fundamental issues back then. But then, instead of working on it, I got distracted by falling in love with someone who, you know, is gay. And the aftermath of falling in love with someone who is, you know, gay. So now, five years later, I get to deal with it. Thank you sixteen-year old me.

All of this came rushing to the forefront of my mind today because I spent the majority of this weekend having a disproportionate freak out over, what I saw to be, being abandoned by someone that I care for very much. We had some important things to talk about but all attempts at communication went unanswered. It lasted four days, but I will confess that I started freaking out after the first night. Even if there was some purposeful ignorance, it didn't merit the reaction I gave. I went from "he's not answering my phone calls" to "he doesn't want me in his life anymore." Insecurities, man.

And I knew it. The whole time, I knew that I was being irrational. I told myself that there was more a problem with me than with the relationship. But instead of actually listening to myself, I decided to brew. It didn't hit me until Harris wrote a blog about the same type of thing and came to the conclusions I ignored. He always says the things I already know, but I'm not willing to admit them until he confirms them. (This may be a separate issue, but it's not very high on the list of things to deal with.)

So, I think that I've figured out the next intrapersonal demon that needs to be slayed. I'm happy for it, though. I don't want to be held back by the conditions I set for myself or that were set for me without my permission. Life is an eternal state of becoming. Emerson said that "man is a god in ruins." I'm just trying to restore myself.

Elton John - B-B-B-Bennie & the Jets!

Compare our abbrations with romantic quotations

2009-01-12T09:09:00.000+10:00

I'm the type of person who likes to stew in my moods, no matter what they are. Instead of trying to get my mind off of whatever is making me feel depressed or angry, I find things that will intensify the emotions, dividing them up like a prism so that I can observe it all and overdose on feeling. My go-to emotion enhancement is music because I can always find songs that will just make me feel worse.

Today is one of those days. And my band of choice is Noah & the Whale from London. I've always liked their folky sound and Kasher-esque vocals, but today our relationship has gone from flirty to exclusive. I'm not very good at commitment, though, so I'm not sure how long this will last. Their album, Peaceful, the World Lays Me Down, is a happy-sounding way to say love sucks but is worth it and sometimes lasts but mostly doesn't.

Noah & the Whale - Peaceful, The World Lays Me Down.rar
Noah & the Whale - Death By Numbers.mp3
Noah & the Whale - 2 Bodies 1 Heart.mp3

I also really like their Anderson inspired music videos.

Noah and the Whale - Shape Of My Heart - video powered by Metacafe

Shake it like a Polaroid picture

2009-01-11T17:46:00.000+10:00

I don't mean to jump on the instant film band wagon, but Polaroid film is seriously cool, and I am sad that it's been discontinued. I remember having one of those smaller cameras when I was younger. You know, the one where you'd pull the tiny Polaroid stickers out. It was too much fun finding excuses to photograph unimportant subject matter, and then shake the shit out of the photo, watching it ooze into creation. That, my friends, was the start of my career in photography.

All of this really comes from me wanting to have a lead-in to sharing this program. Basically, someone who was just as (if not more so) upset about the death of the Polaroid and also was more technologically savvy than me decided to upgrade the whole experience. You can give that Polaroid look to your photos, and you can still shake them and watch the ghost of an image appear. Obviously not as much fun, but I appreciate the sentiment.

You should also check out this really cool Polaroid project called "Before I Die I Want To," which I appreciate since I'm all about making a to-do list of life goals. Kind of like Post Secret, each Sharpied photo is a confession. Some wishes are completely relatable and just strengthen the sense of unity I carry, some get to the poet in me, and some remind me how batshit crazy people can be. I have no idea what these people are going to do when they run out of film. I guess they can use that camera with Ashton Kutcher in the commercials. You know, the one where he's basically being a douche bag and showing off his unimpressive camera at a party where no one cares. But you can write on it, which is key for this project. Still...not the same.

R.I.P. Polaroid (1948-2008)

The Cure - Pictures of You.mp3

I still say his name as though it's an onomatopoeia

2009-01-10T17:19:00.000+10:00

Today was lovely but tiring. I went out to Alamitos to see Poom, who got back from Thailand yesterday. He and I spent the whole day shopping for various objects to put in his new place. Ikea, Target, South Coast Plaza...long day. He'd only been gone three weeks, but I really felt his absence. I couldn't even talk to him while he was home due to the cost of calls and him never getting online. Our temperaments match each other well, so spending time together is always enjoyable. He makes fun of me for being American; I make fun of him for being racist. It's good times.

He had me try all these different snack foods he brought back from Thailand. One was exactly like the Bugles that I ate when I was a kid. I realized that no other kid ate them, but I didn't know that they are actually an Asian delight. I haven't seen them in any stores since I was in elementary school, though. Shame. I used to love to stick them on my fingers like they were claws, and then eat them off. And then he gave me this really tasty soy bean treat that was sweet but had a weird, smokey aftertaste.

He also brought me back a cute charm for my cell phone. Alas, I have to have the one model that doesn't have a little place to connect it to. Bah! Just another reason to get a new phone.

I was ashamed today, however, because I found out that there is an entire genre of music missing from my collection. I have enough music on Lennon to play for a year plus; yet, I have no lounge music. You know that easy listening crap they play in Starbucks that you completely tune out? Yea, I have none of that, which is what Poom requested today so that he could study to it. (He can't study in silence.) I had nothing. My musical mission is to find some so that my library is one step closer to being complete.

While going through my files last night, I ran into this little gem of a song. I found the lyrics smirk-worthy. Enjoy a free download.

Fascinoma - Don't Go.mp3

"Someday I'll be locked up for love insanity...

2009-01-08T13:51:00.000+10:00

...'she loved too much.'"
Anais Nin

Life is filled with lazy introspection when the only daily responsibility you have is to make sure your puppy stays alive. Going from a life that was all about everybody else, on-call and social at every moment, to being alone for the majority of the week without anything on my "to-do" list has unintentionally unearthed certain characteristics I've let come into fruition.

Today I was coddling my love, nursing it, when I found an impurity. A slight disfiguration on the surface that I quickly realized would lead to cancer beneath the surface. Deep within my love is an evil, the cruel desire to bring pain to anyone that threatens whatever it is that I have decided to safely wrap in the ribbons of my heart.

I've always recognized that there is a buried quality within me that I do my best to starve. But recently, I have been allowing it to marinate in the absolute devilry it takes to torture another effectively. It's been a long time since I have caved to my inner Cthulhu, but I can feel myself being pulled by the prophetic nightmares.

The fact that I am so sensitive to the emotions and vulnerabilities to others helps me empathize and relate to them, making me a safe place for anyone in need. But it also gives me the instructions and ammunition to tear them apart. No one really thinks about the scarred side of the coin when they come to me because I am mostly amiable, very easy to walk over since I will lay down in front of them and beg them to, thinking I'm helping them. (Perhaps I am, sometimes.) But there is a wall, a very large one with snipers, barbed wire, and guard dogs on the other side. And I can be a daemon once they cross over.

I've ended several relationships since I left, shooting people in mid-vault over my wall. I'm never graceful when it comes to ends, never subtle. One day I love you and would bleed myself for you. The next day your calls go straight to voice mail, and I act as though I can't even remember your name. In the past, these splits have been out of good intent for the other person involved. I have lived as a masochist in love for the past 20 years, and it's just recently been the case that I have cut ties out of self-preservation. Self-love.

But that is different than the sadism I am feeling right now. I didn't abruptly stop all relations with my young friend for my own sanity or his well being. Nor is this a vengeance I crave for myself. I want to hurt the ones who made a person I love cry. As deeply as I can feel love is how fiercely I am burning with utter loathing. I would delight in making him cry and bringing him to his knees, writhing in psychological agony, regret, and apology.

I'm not at all frightened by the devil in me. Everyone is capable of great atrocities. My strength is that I recognize my own ability for cruelty but choose to deny myself the pleasure of indulgence.

The romantic in me tries to use love to justify my cruelty. I think the greatest crimes of my life have/will be committed out of passionate and tender feelings for someone else.

I am obsessed with this cover.

Leona Lewis - Run.mp3

"What madness...

2008-12-30T14:42:00.001+10:00

...to love a man as something more than human!"
St. Augustine

I go back and forth between finding words inadequate and grasping them as my last life source.

When it comes to the stirrings of my heart, the thickening of my blood, and the flapping of the wings in my soul...no puzzle of language could adequately portray. Something would be lost in the cracks between pieces.

Still, I want to engage in the tragedy that is poetry. It is beautiful because it is broken in its attempt to be more than words. Yet, sometimes, it goes beyond being merely a child with its arms outstretched, "I love you this much." Sometimes it manages a glimpse, like a sample cut from a bolt of silk.

How to put your heart into words when you don't even speak its language fluently. Still, only the tongue of poetry can approximate translation.

I am emotionally drunk right now. The mere whisper of passion against my cupped ear has set a forest ablaze in my heart. It's refining itself now, becoming personal and tender.

But it's different than a crush, less than being in love, though I love. It is protective and jealous and has questionable morals. It is the type of burning I imagine tragedies are written from. A la Shakespeare.

I've found a fallen angel, perfect in his scars and broken wings. I've found such a capacity to live and feel in his green eyes than in any others. Everything beautiful and sad and ugly and alluring brings him to mind. Everything disturbingly humorous and macabre. I like his darkness.

I realize that I am being overly romantic and not at all listening to my "inner Harris" who is all rationale and common sense. We are so abhorrently compatible that there is not enough friction for there to be any type of romance, and I don't look at the physical side of him. I am swept up in the amorous horror of his mind, and I crave all connections to be made on a metaphysical level.

And he isn't appealing to my savior complex at all. Well, anymore. Even though he is a tragedy in a way, he is also a genius and an adult. And, even though he has fallen much farther in life than anyone else I've come across, I feel as though he needs me the least. He has a very quiet strength which appeals to my own demure qualities. In fact, lately I feel as though he has been holding me up.

Susie Suh - Light On My Shoulder.mp3

'Tis my lil sister singing. :(^_^)

Sleeping with the enemy

2008-11-15T20:36:00.000+10:00

Things have been so overwhelming to me lately. I left Pepperdine about three weeks ago on medical leave because I stopped being able to take care of myself. I'm taking a year off, and I moved down to San Diego to live with my older sister and figure things out. I had stopped sleeping and eating, so I was going absolutely crazy. On top of that, I was drinking a lot and smoking, just a really unhealthy lifestyle. And the people that were my "friends" were really self-destructive, but I couldn't see it.

My soul was so heavy, and I was so lost, but I couldn't see it because I was too close to the situation. My best friend was really worried about me and was trying to warn me without being pushy, but I just thought that I was being twenty, having fun. I thought I was just as stressed as any normal college junior is, just as unsure. And I thought that the people who were weighing me down needed my help, which they do. But I actually thought I could save them without hurting myself. I got to a point where I was neglecting my very base needs in order to sacrifice everything to help someone who wasn't even willing to really listen to me. I just gave of myself until I was spiritually bankrupt and didn't even want to move on in life.

So...I left school. Left LA. Got away from all those people. I'm just starting to realize how used and walked over I've been for the past year by these people. It hurts to see that all that I gave was fruitless, but I finally feel in control and proactive. My new mantra when it comes to relationships is, "No bullshit!!" No more martyrdom. No more feeling like I need to give up everything in order to save someone. I am realizing that you can't save anyone but yourself. My savior complex/maternal instinct makes it difficult to just let people go, but I'm finally feeling a sense of self-preservation.

I forsook Christianity, as well. I just got to a point where it was all fake to me, the teachings, all the "sacred" beliefs. From a scholarly standpoint, it was fiction to me. I still believe in god but not the Christian god. And I don't believe in Hell or even Heaven, really. I don't think there is some personal god out there. I think of a guiding force. But I also know that god is sooooo beyond my intellect that I can never know what all that term is supposed to encompass. But I feel like religion is a way to put god in a box and make ourselves feel better about the fact that we know nothing and that our lives may actually not have some innate meaning.

I really like Buddhist philosophy, though, so I've been studying that and attending temple and meditating and stuff. I would describe myself as a secular humanist, though. The only problem is that there is immense pressure from my mother to rectify this and "find God" (her God), but I feel like I'm closer to knowing god than she is because I'm not putting all this man-made pretense up and bowing to that.

Right now, I'm just looking for a job and trying to get healthy. I'm going to start running, and I've started doing pilates and lifting weights. I quit drinking and smoking. I already feel better. Los Angeles was such a lonely city, mainly because I always felt isolated even when I was with my "friends", but here I am part of a family unit. Even though I don't know many people in San Diego, I don't feel lost. I don't feel homeless. And I can concentrate on myself, on filtering my life and getting rid of all those things/people who are harmful. And figuring out what I actually want. Do I even want to go back to school??

After the earthquakes happened in Sichuan, all I wanted to do was go to China and help out. I still want to. I long to go do service work in Asia SO badly. Thailand, Indonesia, China, Japan. Anywhere. I just want to DO something. College is continually losing meaning for me. I feel like going to class and reading about other people's experiences are a waste of time when I could be out there, having experiences of my own, studying Buddhism with actual monks in Thailand. I feel like I'm just biding my time until my actual life and applicable education begin.

Someone please save us college kids

2008-10-13T19:01:00.000+10:00

Today I decided to drop out of college for a little while.

I have not felt this free in a long time.

Relient K - College Kids.mp3

Mono no aware

2008-09-19T18:33:00.000+10:00

Today I took a mental health day. I felt that, if I went to class, I would drop out of school. I just couldn't take it today. So a friend and I saw the new Woody Allen film, Vicky Cristina Barcelona. And, for once, I felt free.

Scarlett Johansson's character, Cristina, is me in the way she approaches the world. She doesn't know what she wants; she can only define it by what she doesn't want. So she flows through life, trying to pin it down. Process of elimination. She never settles. Never finds home. Just restless for something unknown.

And that's me. I'm a Capricorn, a goat with a fish tail. I'm not at home on land or in the water, so I'm searching for the place where earth meets sea, and the two parts of my soul can find their homes. I want everything and nothing. But who knows if this place even exists. Or do I have to amputate my tail?

On the way home, I saw a dog get hit by a car. Alive one minute, and stiff the next.

I could pinpoint the instant the dog died. And all the traffic stopped, and the owner walked really slowly into the middle of the street and buried her face into the puppy and started crying.

But I wonder if in those seconds before death, he felt truly free being off his leash. And maybe the price of being free is destruction. Because the cars don't stop coming just because your collar is off.

I didn't feel any real remorse either. I felt a mental sadness for the woman, the owner. Because she was attached to him. But only mental. And no sadness for the dog.

Death is inevitable. What better time to die then when you're happier than you've ever been? Maybe it's better to die than to go back on a chain.

I don't mean this to be a purely sad account. It was beautiful in its sadness.

But maybe my principle of non-attachment has led me to go through life as though things are already dead. Or maybe that view has led to unattachment.

Do I just not appreciate life? I see the beauty in destruction, but what about creation?

I can't answer this yet.

Or maybe I'm not sad because I'm glad that at least the dog had a chance to be free.

Death will come to us all. But not all of us will know what freedom is when it does.

Nothing Gets Crossed Out

2008-09-12T18:52:00.002+10:00

This whole particle accelerator business has made me question what it is I really want to do before I die. Almost all of the actions I go through in any given day are meaningless in the sense that they don't fulfill me or confirm my existence. They are just routines birthed out of the lack of motivation/courage/option to do otherwise. I am waiting for the right time to do something more. For the universe to shove me in the right direction, I suppose.

BUT...that is not the point of this. The point is, "What do I want to do before I am recycled into the karmic cycle of life?"

1. Live in another country (in Asia) for over a year

2. Master two new languages (probably Japanese and Mandarin)

3. Hike Machu Picchu

4. Do volunteer work in a third world country

5. Backpack through a country

6. Road trip across the US

7. Take my mom to Italy

8. Visit the Philippines

9. Take an Alaskan cruise

10. Skydive

~~11. Watch the sunrise on the beach in silence~~

12. Live in a tree house

13. Write a book of poetry

14. Go to an airport with only a carry-on, and take first departing international flight

15. Motorcycle along the California coast

16. See the Aurora Borealis

~~17. Slow dance to no music in the moonlight~~

~~18. Find a reason to believe in love (or a justified reason not to)~~

~~19. Skinny dip in the moonlight~~

20. Shave my head

This list very well may grow to the point of exhaustion.

Bright Eyes - Nothing Gets Crossed Out.mp3

Spinning like a 45

2008-09-07T11:43:00.000+10:00

It's been awhile.

I've been quite lost lately. In myself. I've launched into an existential project of shifting my paradigms, shedding off my skin. Drawing a new circle, as Emerson would say. There are just thoughts thoughts marching thoughts all day long, and I think it'll turn into homicide by parade if I don't sort them out. Why not here?

I feel like launching myself into space. Not all of me. But my consciousness. So that I could look at the whole world at the same time, me in it, and identify where I belong in this marriage of people and nature and gods.

I crave a simpler life. A Walden life.

I have so many questions. Who am I? What am I? What am I supposed to do? What do I want? Why am I afraid of people? How can I exist in the world without being of the world? Should I even try to do that, or will it make it so that I can't relate to everyone around me? What is love, and do I really want it?

I feel like selling everything I own and moving to the country with Kaida until I figure things out. There are too many distractions here. Too much NOISE. And it all leaks in through my ear and richotes around in my head until I end up listening to the rain of my own thoughts instead of making them march through, single file, for inspection.

At the same time, I feel like it's of crucial importance for my future ability to operate within society to not run away from all of my friendships and actually cultivate lasting connections. I can't say how long they will last because I know that everything ends. But it won't be because of me running away this time. I am tired of hurting people because I am too weak to wait and see if they'll hurt me first. I've been curled up into myself for too long.

I would like to love someone on a personal level again. Not a lover or a partner but a friend.

Urban Buddha

2008-04-20T01:29:00.000+10:00

Downtown San Francisco,
everyone wears a suit and treads quickly,
yet methodically, as though crossing embers
instead of cement,
as though saving lives
instead of signing them away.
Cell phones permanently attached
to pinstriped executives
ten years away from the corner office
and twenty from their first heart attack.

A young hippie with white dreads,
a braided beard,
and his life in a $30 pack
crosses at Powell and California.
Eyes like sea foam,
he is not the possessions weighing him down.
His soul is in the streets he walks.

Out of tune
with the double shot latte mass,
he is harmonious
with the hum of the city he embodies.
Every step echoes Aum.
A secret smile
like the bloom of a lotus blossom,
which whispers wisdom
under the surface of its foundational pad.

Deaf to the ticking of time
commanding his brothers,
he walks to the beat of the holy syllable
reverberating within the heart of the city.

Twenty-three,
and he reached Nirvana
on the corner of Haight and Ashbury
while others ran
to put more change
in their parking meters.

Columbine Generation

2008-02-04T17:24:00.002+10:00

The children of the Columbine generation
have Cold War parents who learned drills
with their arithmetic and carried masks
with their sack lunches.
The gummy undersides of desks were their refuge
from hypothetical fallout and radioactive Vietnamese.
But their war was on the television,
and their enemies were on foreign soil.

The children of the 9/11 generation
were evicted from the domestically Tranquil Garden,
victims to their parents’ gas price war
under the guise of heathen liberation.

These children are the Matthew Shepherd generation,
whose enemies coil around Congress, rattle the Senate,
and poison the Oval Office,
warping Commandments into Bible bills
and building arks too narrow for personal rights.
They lead a brainwashed congreg(n)ation
into a collapsing sea of democracy.

We are the children of the apathetic generation,
who complain from internet pulpits,
complacent within our digital worlds,
too jaded to bear any hope.

Chanson des escargots qui vont à l'enterrement

2008-01-24T16:04:00.000+10:00

A l'enterrement d'une feuille morte
Deux escargots s'en vont
Ils ont la coquille noire
Du crêpe autour des cornes
Ils s'en vont dans le noir
Un très beau soir d'automne
Hélas quand ils arrivent
C'est déjà le printemps
Les feuilles qui étaient mortes
Sont toutes ressuscitées
Et les deux escargots
Sont très désappointés
Mais voilà le soleil
Le soleil qui leur dit
Prenez prenez la peine
La peine de vous asseoir
Prenez un verre de bière
Si le coeur vous en dit
Prenez si ça vous plaît
L'autocar pour Paris
Il partira ce soir
Vous verrez du pays
Mais ne prenez pas le deuil
C'est moi qui vous le dis
Ça noircit le blanc de l'oeil
Et puis ça enlaidit
Les histoires de cercueils
C'est triste et pas joli
Reprenez vos couleurs
Les couleurs de la vie
Alors toutes les bêtes
Les arbres et les plantes
Se mettent à chanter
A chanter à tue-tête
La vraie chanson vivante
La chanson de l'été
Et tout le monde de boire
Tout le monde de trinquer
C'est un très joli soir
Un joli soir d'été
Et les deux escargots
S'en retournent chez eux
Ils s'en vont très émus
Ils s'en vont très heureux
Comme ils ont beaucoup bu
Ils titubent un petit peu
Mais là-haut dans le ciel
La lune veille sur eux.

Jacques Prévert

English translation:
Song of the snails on their way to a funeral

Two snails were going to the funeral of a dead leaf.
Their shells were shrouded in black,
and they had wrapped crepe around their horns.
They set out in the evening,
one glorious autumn evening.
Alas, when they arrived
it was already spring.
The leaves who once were dead
had all sprung to life again.
The two snails were very disappointed.
But then the sun, the sun said to them,
"Take the time to sit awhile.
Take a glass of beer
if your heart tells you to.
Take, if you like, the bus to Paris.
It leaves this evening.
You'll see the sights.
But don't use up your time with mourning.
I tell you, it darkens the white of your eye
and makes you ugly.
Stories of coffins aren't very pretty.
Take back your colours,
the colours of life."
Then all the animals,
the trees and the plants
began to sing at the tops of their lungs.
It was the true and living song,
the song of summer.
And they all began to drink
and to clink their glasses.
It was a glorious evening,
a glorious summer evening,
and the two snails went back home.
They were moved,
and very happy.
They had had a lot to drink
and they staggered a little bit,
but the moon in the sky watched over them.